"It looks like you made that in Home Ec."

This, dear readers, was the statement made by my husband after I returned from, yet another, failed shopping trip in an attempt to find a top to wear to my future sister in-law's bachelorette party this Saturday night. I know, I am a bit long in the tooth to be attending bachelorette parties, but as my future SIL paid me the huge compliment of asking me to be in her bridal party, off to the city I go - any excuse to drink. I can guarantee wherever we wind up I will be the only person in the room lactating.

So, back to my miserable attempts to clothe myself. It is a special form or torture having to dress yourself for anything other than an afternoon at the park once you have gotten out of the "well, she just had a baby" excuse zone. You want to look your best, conceal any issues that might still be lingering, and get your feet wet once again in the pool of fashion after a year-long hiatus. No matter what they tell you, maternity clothes are not exactly couture. Sure, they try, but any pants with an elastic panel are not runway material. My issue, currently, are my huge boobs. While, pre-pregnacy, I am a respectable B+ cup, I am now a D and even though my tops fit the rest of me, the girls are an issue. My usual uniform of long-sleeved T-shirts work well during the week, but not for a night out. Hence, my need for a new top.

Off to the mall I went excited to see the new crop of winter fashions and find something modern and slightly sexy to celebrate the fact that I am no longer pregnant and on the way back to being myself. The stores were filled with rack after rack of brightly colored and patterned tops, sleeveless, bejeweled - adorable! I greedily grabbed armloads and headed to the nearest dressing room. Then came the shock. All of these adorable tops were either empire waisted or baby-doll style! This might not dismay some of you, but to anyone who has spent nine months looking pregnant, even the hint that you could look that way again when you are not is an utter horror show. I can see how twenty year-old women would enjoy this look, comfy as it is, but not me. This style was convenient early on in my pregnancy when I wasn't big enough to wear my maternity tops, but now it was repulsive. Add to that, the fact that with my big boobs, the tops were billowing out from my widest point - not flattering. I did my best and bought a few things so at least I would have something to wear.

I got home and after putting the kids to bed, did a little fashion show for my hubby. Can't you just imagine the look of disappointment on my face as I emerge from the bedroom to ask, "How do I look?" and he actually replies, "Eww." I protest, "What? This is very stylish." My husband didn't care. His point, as illustrated by the title of this post, was that while convenient for hiding some muffin top, the stylish tops of today are not sexy and look like bedsheets gone awry. While my husband's ideal outfit for me would include Saran Wrap, he does have a point. These tops don't do very much to accentuate the feminine form, they kind of hide it. He further postulated that the mainly gay fashion designers cater to women who look like boys anyway so what the hell do they know? Huh. Another valid point.

In the end, I am still looking for that perfect little top. I returned to the mall and after more shopping have come to realize that I either have to buy a lame sweater set from Ann Taylor if I want to wear something fitted, or probably buy one of these ridiculous tops. I am so irritated with the current fashions, but fashion, by nature, changes and I'm sure by this summer I'll be moaning about how tight everything is in the stores. Well, one good thing about these tops, at least I can eat a lot of pizza at three in the morning and still feel comfortable.