Food Network - Overexposure 101

Look around you. It seems everywhere you look you see a goofy grin and pair of chipmunk cheeks usually dancing above some kind of catchy food phrase ("Yummo!"). Do you know who these features belong to? If you don't you have been living in a Rachel-Ray-free zone. You can't swing a cat these days without hitting something she's endorsing.

Rachel Ray is the latest victim of Food Network's favorite pastime - find a new food "star", shove him or her down America's throats until he or she is vomited back up swimming in a sea of self-loathing as they are proclaimed "over". They start each newbie out slowly with a cooking show. Then, once there is a whisper of popularity, they introduce the cooking show with a live audience who can shout out the Food-Network-approved catch phrase like baptists at a tent revival. There is usually a band or dj with whom the star can have witty banter. Then there are the guest stars who come to fumble around the kitchen and plug whatever new project they're working on. Watch Jessica Alba almost lose a finger while shilling for The Fantastic Four! Then, finally, add the cookware, kitchen products and endorsement deals.

This all rolls along nicely for everyone until America gets fed up with seeing the same face again and again and their catch phrase loses it's zing. The live show is canceled, reruns of the original show dwindle and all that's left is a hollow shell of marketing and hype where a cook used to be. Need further evidence of the stage-mother star-pushing over-exposure of which I speak? Ever heard of someone called Emeril Lagasse? He was the foodie darling of the late 90's. Then he got caught up in the Food Network machine and his contract as just been canceled. Sadly, he may have "Bam!-ed" his last.

Paula Deen is another poor soul facing a similar fate. Paula won America over with her southern charm and teddy bear cuddliness. She now screeches,"Hi y'all!" enough times during her live audience show to induce hearing loss and, I am not shitting you, Sugar Ray Leonard, was her last guest. I think the end is near.

If things don't change, in the future I see Paula, Emeril and Rachel Ray sitting in some hole-in-the-wall bar bloated (as seems to happen with all these stars, they put on, like thirty pounds), defeated and cursing the Food Network execs exclaiming, "I could been a contenda!" I don't need star quality when I'm sitting on my couch Sunday morning watching someone prepare meals I have no energy to attempt. Just leave these poor people alone and let them cook.