"South to drop off, moron!"

Whew! I am finally back from my morning workout. No, I wasn't on the treadmill I mean I have returned from schlepping all three of my kids to school. This is the calm after the storm - a storm that starts every morning at 6:30 when my oldest, the early bird, wakes up and on occasion, 6:15, when the baby decides to screw with me. I love my darling middle child who is a late sleeper and is conked out until at least 7:00. Before I had kids I had no idea what a shit-show mornings could be. I thought it was difficult dragging myself out of bed at 7:00 to get myself out the door for work. I had all that coffee drinking, news watching and hair drying to do. Now I have the Herculean task each morning of getting three semi-cooperative, small beings fed, dressed, groomed and in the car by 8:15. Perhaps you'd like to take a look at what my morning entails...

6:15 - Baby starts to squawk and I ignore him as I finish my workout.
6:20 - Jump in shower, wash body and face.
6:22 - Get "dressed" in pajama pants and T-shirt.
6:25 - Nurse baby.
6:30 - Get milk for oldest who is snuggling in bed with hubby.
6:45 - Put baby in Exersaucer prison while I make coffee.
7:00 - #2 awakes and groggily asks for milk - she is not a morning person. Take breakfast orders - pancakes, waffles (both frozen, Aunt Jemima I am not), cereal, bagels, etc. Flagellate myself as I allow children to eat in front of TV so I can get other things done such as making the beds and packing lunches.
7:30 - Feed baby breakfast while screaming at the kids to get dressed.
7:40 - Leave baby in high chair eating bananas hoping he doesn't choke to death while I get his sister's head out of her sleeve and begin the hair negotiations. #1 : "I just want to wear it long (read: down, with nothing in it)." Me: "No, you have gym to day and you look like a street urchin." #1 : "What's a street urchin?"
7:55 - Finish feeding baby, get him dressed and change my own shirt which has been spattered with pureed prunes.
8:05 - Brush everyone's teeth and put shoes and jackets on.
8:15 - Get in car to drive .34 miles to elementary school. Seriously, I mapquested it. Now a bit about drop-off. It is really, and truly, just like the drop-off scene in Mr. Mom. The cars all drive in one direction only and we all pull up to the curb where a fifth grader helps your kid out and they run into the school. The cars pull up four at a time and I am never more stressed then when I am the last of the four because my oldest insists on kissing every member of our famliy goodbye before exiting the vehicle. This means the other three cars in front of me have pulled out alrady and everyone is waiting for me. Once the love-fest is over it then takes my automatic door a good five seconds to close while I sit there whispering, '"Come on, come on!" burning rubber as I pull out. One benefit to this drop-off scheme? I can literally wear my pajamas and no one knows. Then it's back to the house since #2's pre-school doesn't begin until 9:00. So...

8:30 - Take off shoes and jackets. Put baby on the floor to play, and since my middle daughter is actually a Hobbit and must eat every 90 minutes, make her a snack. At this point I actually get to eat my own breakfast - at least until the baby starts screaming for some of it and I put him back in the high chair for some toast. At some point in here I swap out the pj's for my yoga pants since I actually see people at the pre-school.
8:40 - Baby takes usual morning dump - change diaper.
8:45 - Put my daughter on the potty (YAY! It's actually working), put shoes and jackets back on.
8:50 - Get back in car to drive 1.85 miles to the pre-school, a Driver's Ed nightmare, as I repeatedly look in the rear view mirror, which is pointed squarely on the baby, frantically try to keep him awake so he doesn't ruin his 9:30 nap by taking a quick snooze.
9:00 - Drag baby and #2 into school. Spend five minutes trying to take off #2's jacket and hang it in her cubby while holding 25lb baby in one arm. Kiss #2 goodbye and I'm off.
9:10 - Repeat driving scenario from earlier, trying not to run any red lights as I race against the clock and the baby's drooping eyelids to get him in his crib in time for his nap.
9:30 - Plop my ass in front to the computer to write and drink more coffee.

THE END - (at least until I have to pick everyone up at 11:30 and do it all again in reverse order)

I know many of you are in the same boat so feel free to share your own ridiculous morning routines so we can all pat each other on the back for a job well done every damn day. I especially relish the mornings my husband is home so he can experience the madness. One time I was sick and he actually had to do the whole thing himself. His reaction at the end of the process? "Boy, your job sucks." Indeed.