Do you own a mirror?

This post has been a long time coming. I have lived in the suburbs for about five years now and have felt on more than one occasion that I do not fit it. Even though I have come to feel more at home as time as passed there is one area in which I am constantly reminded that, at my core, I do not belong here and am only killing time so my offspring can have the benefits of schools without metal detectors and parks with actual grass. That area is fashion. Yeah, yeah, I know I'm no great shakes in my yoga pants and baseball hat most days, but this Friday I need to list the most ubiquitous and heinous suburban fashion faux pas. I am ignoring the truly pathetic displays of sartorial retardation as they are as cruel to make fun of as a kid with Down's Syndrome. Some people simply can't help it and I will not mock them for the mom jeans they use to hide their tummies or their love of Disney character embroidered shirts. This Friday I am calling out those individuals who wear their fashion ignorance like a badge thinking they actually look awesome and make us suffer the consequences.

Top 5 Fashion Faux Pas of the Suburbs

5. Leather jackets - I have no problem with leather jackets, in general. I own one myself as do most people I know. But the popularity of the leather car coat has spread in the suburbs like a case of herpes in Cancun. I would have no problem if it actually looked good on all the people sporting them, but would someone please tell the hordes of male, grossly overweight, Italian*, New Jersey residents that they actually look like the cow the leather came from and to just get a nice full length wool coat? Speaking of full length, ladies, you don't escape my watchful eye either. Unless you are a member of Bon Jovi and it's 1984, a full length leather coat is strictly forbidden.

4. Sports outerwear - Unless you play for, coach, own or are in any other capacity professionally affiliated with a sports team you may not wear outerwear with a team's insignia. Baseball hats, fine. T-shirts, knock yourself out. But if I can see the logo and it's forty degrees outside, you are, officially, a loser.

3. Anything bedazzled - Really, do I need to say more? Because that, ill-fitting velor sweat suit you're sporting just isn't tacky enough. I really think the rhinestones class it up. And speaking of sweat suits...

2. You knew it was coming...those goddamn Juicy get-ups. Again, I will try not to choke on my own bile when I think these pieces of crap cost three hundred dollars, but what makes it even worse is when I see some hag in her fifties pouring herself into one. Here's a hint, gals, the writing on the ass would be easier to read if said buttocks weren't down around your knees. And even you broads who have tight bodies, just because it fits doesn't mean you should be wearing it.

1. Cell phone belt clips - Oh, boy. Unless you are a member of law enforcement, a fire house or an emergency response team, no one needs such immediate access to their cell phone. I know you're trying to say, 'Look at me, I'm important", but what you're really saying is, "Look at me. I have such low self-esteem I need to show you I think I'm important". That two inches of difference between pants pocket and belt clip is the demarcation line between the type of guy who was on the hockey team and the guy who was the equipment manager. "I'm important! These water bottles don't fill themselves!" (Refer to #4 as to this guys choice of outerwear)

So there you have it. If you need any real life examples of these crimes against fashion please feel free to stop by my local Dunkin' Donuts where most of them congregate. Seeing them in their natural habitat really enhances the experience.
Happy Friday to all!

* Admit it, Pop, you know most of these guys have last names that end in a vowel and they give trim, well turned-out gentlemen of your ethnicity, such as yourself, a bad name.