There are only so many hours in the day!

I shouldn't be sitting here. There's too much to do. I, like everyone else in the world, have moments when I feel completely overwhelmed by my life and all I have to do to keep it going. What has begun to enrage me recently is all the things I am made to feel I should be doing simply by picking up a women's magazine. Just look at the covers and their tag lines: "Walk off the weight", "Easy gourmet meals", "15 minute beauty tricks". After a particularly long spell in a doctor's waiting room I decided to see what an average day would be like if I followed all the advice so freely given in these rags and if it is even possible to do so.

Early morning routine:

Work out - since almost every magazine has some article about losing weight I would spend forty-five minutes doing cardio and another thirty lifting weights. Followed by fifteen minutes of stretching.
Meditate - I really should be doing a full yoga routine, but if I don't have time I should at least spend twenty minutes getting zen for my day.
Cook a healthy breakfast for my kids. One that does not involve the microwave or a box adorned with a cartoon character.
Shower - By this I do not mean the meager running of hot water over my body as I scream at my husband, "Can you get them dressed?", that usually constitutes my morning cleansing ritual, but one that includes a full-body exfoliation, shaving my legs and armpits, pumicing my disgusting, claw-like feet, washing and conditioning my hair daily instead of weekly, and washing my face with cleanser instead of bar soap (or baby shampoo if I'm in a jam).
Apply products to my newly cleansed body. Swipe my face with toner, apply eye cream and wrinkle serum. Then apply an overall moisturizer containing SPF, antioxidants and placental tissue of some sort. Apply self-tanning cream to my pasty body. Don't forget to include drying time for the tanner which, when applied in my usual manner, winds up all over my clothes because someone inevitably needs something in the fifteen minutes I'd have to stand there butt-nekked.
Blow out my hair, since my everyday "hair shoved into an elastic" look doesn't cut it.
Apply makeup - Again, my usual look of mascara and Chapstick isn't up to snuff - I should be applying concealer, foundation and contouring eye shadow at least.

While the kids are at school:

Prep veggies, etc. for the nutritious gourmet dinner I will feed my family.
Clean my house with earth-friendly cleaners and vacuum under all the furniture instead of finalizing my plans to become an online gambler in order to keep my cleaning lady.
Separate my laundry and appropriately treating all stains - instead of throwing in loads of "stuff we need immediately" like clean underwear and "things that really shouldn't touch other things" like stuff covered in baby-vomit or, even worse, urine.
Fold said laundry immediately as it comes out of the dryer instead of letting it malinger in piles on the laundry room floor and putting it away in very organized drawers and closets (see below).
Organize my closets and drawers - instead of hoping nothing falls on the kids when they open the door to theirs and wondering where this stack of Bon Appetit's from the 1990's should go.

And let's not forget about my poor, youngest child! I should be doing the following with him instead of plopping him in his Exersaucer while I frantically fold said laundry and thank my personal gods he's such a good baby:
Reading books - which actually becomes a game of tug-of-war trying to wrest them from his grip as he tries to consume them covering each page in saliva.
Tummy time - also known as "make me scream" time as my chubby, chubby kid is ridiculously uncomfortable teetering on his enormous gut, limbs flailing wildly.
Educational walks - We stroll down the street and I describe all the wondrous things around him instead of enjoying the peace and quiet and drinking my third cup of coffee.
Make organic baby food - from scratch people! - instead of feeding him what jarred stuff is on sale this week.
Give him a baby massage - personally, I feel anyone, but me, getting a massage is just too much to bear.

When my children return home from school:

Help with homework without once screaming, "Will you pay attention?"
Do a developmentally appropriate craft while trying to keep the baby entertained.
Take children outside to play so they do not become morbidly obese, wrapping baby in three layers of fleece to do so.
Allow my children to help me cook dinner without anyone cutting or burning themselves.

After bathing my offspring my relaxing evening includes:

Having 5 oz. of red wine instead of 15 oz. of white.
Read to each of my kids from an age appropriate book not based on an episode of The Backyardigans.
Reading a mentally stimulating book or engaging in another cerebral pursuit rather than watching the most recently TiVo'd episode of Project Runway.
Having a light snack, like Jello, that fits into my weight loss plan rather than eating peanut butter directly out of the jar with a spoon.
Taking a relaxing, aromatherapy bath.
Journaling (when did that become a verb?)/ writing in my gratitude journal.
Having meaningful, fulfilling, adventurous, sex with my husband before falling immediately asleep for a full, uninterrupted, eight hours.

Obviously, dear readers, there is no way, without amphetamines, I would be able to do all of these things in one day. Days like this don't allow for three hours, or so, of nursing or the twenty minutes it takes to negotiate a Polly Pocket exchange between two sisters. My day, in reality, revolves around feeding, dressing and keeping my kids alive, having a little fun with them, maintaining minimal standards of cleanliness around the house and hanging out with my husband at night. Everything else can fall by the wayside.

So while I will continue to read these publications I am starting a campaign to bring more realistic material to their pages. Keep an eye on their covers as soon you'll being seeing articles entitled, "Bad hair day? The newest in Mom-appropriate baseball hats!" "Why ketchup is, indeed, a vegetable!" or "Why sitting on your ass is good for you!"