No really, I'm not a couch.

This Friday's Top 5 - Fashion trends of the early 90s! I was recently reminiscing about my high school days with a friend and after our conversation I decided I had to catalogue some of the hideous fashion mistakes made by myself and my peers during the high school and early college years. Now my sister, who went to private school, denies that these trends ever existed seeing as she was ensconced in an enclave of WASPish idylity (you too, Lauren and Lindsay!), but for those of us peons forced to attain our education with the unwashed masses, we know they are real.
Note: I find these items all equally horrific so I did not place them in any specific numerical order.

Top Five Fashion Trends - circa 1990

1. Skids pants - These pants are the granddaddy of the current trend of leggings and Uggs. Want to know how it became OK to go to school dressed like you just rolled out of bed? This is how. Skids were pants made in a variety of horrible plaids, usually cotton or flannel, depending on the season. They were baggy, completely shapeless - seriously, rectangular when you laid them out flat - and, lacking buttons or a zipper, closed with the use of a drawstring . Flattering and handy for "pantsing" someone in between classes. They also had the added bonus of a yellow road sign bearing the "Slippery When Wet" logo sewn on the ass, as if your hind quarters didn't look big enough swathed in yards of ill-fitting plaid fabric.
Side bar: I love that the picture in this link is from Merry Go Round - former mecca of cheap, trendy clothing.

2. Baja shirts - Sometime my sophomore year everyone began dressing like homeless men in LA. Baja shirts were made of worn, woven cotton and, again, were completely shapeless. They came in a variety of washed out colors and the most popular one, which I was not allowed to have, bore a Corona logo on the back. First introduced by the Dead Heads in my high school (that's what we suburbanites called the derelicts who smoked pot back then, kiddies, we were the "Just Say No" generation) they quickly became popular with the rest of us posers as we started wearing yin yang earrings and listening to Edie Brickel and the New Bohemians.

3. Biker shorts* - As opposed to the last two trends which did their best to completely obscure the body, these shorts were basically a second skin. They were universal in their elastic appeal which lead to their ubiquity, even on those who should not have been wearing them - they were quite often paired with a fanny pack in the older set. For some unknown reason I, personally, only ever wore them under my field hockey kilt. I chalk this up to my mother most likely threatening me with bodily harm rather than my own good sense as everyone was wearing them, usually under some flowy top or dress.
*Sadly- I could find no link. Frankly, I think the internet is showing mercy in that department.

2. Z Cavarrici pants - Here is where my sister and I differ so completely in our high school experience. These pants were mainly worn by the Guidos in my school. "Wha?", says my sister, whose lily-white, homogenized school had been cleansed of all ethnicity. Not to sound stereotypical, I did marry an Italian after all, but it was, indeed, the boys whose last names that ended with vowels who most often wore these extremely tapered pants. It's rather a compliment to their style, actually, as these were considered more of a dress pant back in the day. They were usually paired with a button down shirt and occasionally a bolo tie. Gelled hair and a heavy application of Drakkar Noir was also a requirement.

1. Tapestry vests - Good Lord. When did it become OK to wear upholstery fabric? Around 1990. I have to confess I owned several of these atrocities, acquired from such fashion outposts as Express and Dress Barn and I usually paired them with a button down from the Gap (remember when Gap actually sold button downs for twenty bucks?). Another item that was totally figure obscuring, these vests had cross-generational appeal. It should be a giant "dork flag" to a teenager when she and her mother are wearing the same clothes and it's the teenager who looks inappropriate.

So there it is. Thankfully, I couldn't find any photographic evidence of myself actually sporting some of these gems, but I cringe at the mere memory of wearing them. I'm sure I will look back on some of the things I wear now and be equally embarassed - pointy shoes? low-rise pants? - but nothing compares to the fashion choices you made as a teenager. Unless, it's the hair, but that's a story for another day.