It's the most wonderful time of the year...

No, I don't mean Christmas, Sunday is Mother's Day - now officially my favorite holiday of the year since it involves next to no work on my part and is a day I can completely, selfishly, tell my wonderfully understanding husband that the kids are all his for the whole day and only bring me a child if it needs to be nursed. And since this is my first MD with three kids and I survived the last eight months with my sanity and that of my family intact, I am making it a whole weekend by staying over in the city with a fellow mother on Saturday night.

Most of you who know me, know my mom died when I was nineteen. A bit blunt, I know, but I really have no patience for the overdramatizing people expect me to partake in when it comes to speaking about this event. Yes, it was the most awful thing that has ever happened to me and it changed my world and who I am, but frankly, it's my mom's life and not her death that I want to focus on. My mom was a good mom. Notice I didn't say great mom. I feel "great" is such a trite, overused word. "He's a great guy." means you like having him at barbecues. I say my mom was a good mom in the way you describe someone as a good person, rather than a great person when they are solid, real, and dependable. I also avoid the word great to avoid what we all do with our departed love ones and make them saints. My mother was a real person with real attributes and flaws all of which made her who she was and were her gifts to me. So this Friday, in the spirit of the holiday, I am using my usual Friday format of The List to honor my mom. I don't want to be maudlin when talking about her, she was too much fun for that. Of course I could go on and on about all the things that made her a good mother, but rather, I'd like to write about the little things I have inherited from her that make me laugh and remember.

1. To begin with the completely superficial, my hair. Yeah, yeah, I admit I am not a totally natural red head. But for those of you who knew me before I hit the bottle you know I definitely had those leanings. Let's say it was auburn. My mother, on the other hand, was a true redhead with beautiful copper hair (unfortunately, I could only get this photo* to scan in black and white mode and hubby is unavailable for tech support). So I took my inspiration from her when I decided to go to the salon. It's not just the aesthetic of red hair that I love, as I have expressed before, red hair is usually is accompanied by a fiery temper - my mother definitely had one and I'm sure hubby would say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. By temper I don't mean an uncontrollable rage, but rather getting very worked up in situations where you or a loved one have been wronged or need to be defended. Think, mother lion. A perfect example is the time my mother, then in her twenties, was out at a bar with her friends when she ran into a woman who had had an affair with her best friend's husband. She followed the woman into the bathroom and as my aunt tells it, sounds of commotion soon emanated. My aunt opens the door and finds my mother flushing the tramp's head in the toilet. I love this story so, so much because it shows not only my mother's physical strength, but her moral character. She was so enraged by what this woman had done to her friend she had to act. It also shows how my mom had no time for bullshit. Many other women would have shot that broad dirty looks across the bar, but my mother needed to send a clearer message. I remind my husband of this story whenever he tells me to calm down and I tell him, "Be happy your head's not in a toilet." And to clarify before my dad sends me a nasty e-mail about this, she was very young and calmed down considerably with age.

2. My mother's no bullshit attitude definitely made her the mother she was and I'd like to say I see a lot of her in my mothering style. My mom never used one of those sing-song voices when speaking to us as kids and was very clear about what was and was not acceptable behavior. I hear her when my five year old's doing something she knows she shouldn't and I say, "Really? Come on, you know better than that." And of course, she brought it when she was really pissed by making the same clenched up beaver face I do when I yell at my kids.
One of the things that was important to my mother, and is to me as well, is that my kids have a concept of other and can put themselves in someone else's shoes when taking an action. I remember so clearly being six years old walking back from the grocery store with my mom and walking by the school. Some kids had been "drawing" with sticks in sand by the sidewalk and I scraped my foot over a heart one of the girls had made. Now this girl was way far away and had obviously moved on to something else, and I was really just interested in smoothing out the sand, no malicious intent at all, but my mother walking behind me, arms full of bags, read that as an action laced with cruel intentions and literally kicked me in the behind. Not hard, more of a tap, but she couldn't let it an action she saw as mean go unnoticed. At the time I felt so wronged, but now I completely understand where my mother was coming from and I would have done the exact same thing accompanied by whisper/screaming, "Are you serious?". I think this tough love is what made my sister and I good kids and I hope it has the same effect on mine.

3. My mother was very attractive and had no problem getting the guys, but it wasn't just her looks that won them over. Those bitches stole the Rules from my mother. She did not ask guys out or return phone calls promptly which made them like her even more. On one of my parents very first dates my father was being a bit of a conceited jerk - he admits it himself - and when he asked my mother to hold his coat she said, "Sure." As he held it out and let go my mother let it drop to the floor, turned on her heel and said, "Hold your own damn coat." She wasn't going to pander to any man. She passed this knowledge on to me and essentially won me my husband. Way back in college, hubby couldn't figure out if we were "just friends" or something more and we went home for October break. My mother knew how much I liked him, since I told her everything and as soon as I got through the door, she said, "Don't you dare call that boy while you're home." Advice I followed and he called me. Weeks later, still fed up with his indecisiveness, I started focusing my attention elsewhere, and other guys started coming to visit me in our dorm, he got the picture - all thanks to Mom.

4. My mother, as my father in-law would put it, was "one of those clean Irish broads". Seriously, high school friends I just reconnected with tell me most of their memories of my mother involve her walking past my room with cleaning supplies in hand about to tackle some project. While it was annoying as a teenager, I totally understand it now. I remember asking myself, "Why the hell does she want me to vacuum now?" having been forced off the phone during a critical "what are you wearing tomorrow?" discussion. But now, I myself can not relax if my floors are covered with dog hair and I see the annoyance on my kids faces when I pause (spoiled TiVO brats) their show to run the Dyson over the rug. While I know it can be irritating, I am proud I know how to keep a clean home (some days).

5. I love vengeance movies. Death Wish is the classic choice, but the more recent Four Brothers is excellent as well. My mother ingrained in my sister and me, at an appropriate age, a love for movies where the wronged parties kick some serious ass and drop bad catch phrases in the process. This love also extends to non-vengeance action movies like the Terminator series - which I spent an entire summer watching in loop with my sister since she had no cable in her room - The Die Hard series and any action movie with Nicholas Cage. It was a great night when my mom fired up the Jiffy Pop and the VCR and we all got to sit around screaming at the TV, "Shoot him! Shooooot him!"

There are so many other things I got from my mother that I could write about, but these are the things that make me smile the most. While I did get cheated out of my mom being at my graduations and wedding and it breaks my heart she will never meet my children, it's through these little things that my mom lives on. And even though they will never meet her, my kids will benefit from Grandma Rita's wisdom. I will hear her voice coming through me when I tell my daughter's years from now, "If I have to tie you to a chair, you are not calling that boy back until tomorrow."

So happy Friday to all and Happy Mother's Day to all my fellow moms. Plan something special for yourself - you deserve it. Then think about all the funny stories your kids will get to tell about you someday.

* In this photo I am five years old, my sister is two. So I guess that makes my mother and father twenty-nine and thirty. Sorry to out you on the 'stache, Dad.