Buzz, buzz

Whew! I am finally back after my weekend away followed by my welcome home gift of a sick baby. Thankfully #3's fever has broken and we are back to two-toothed grins and giggles. I m also back to my usual routine which, when I get a chance to step away from it, is more than a little tough to get back into. Once you step off the treadmill it's hard to get back on. I am leaning on my best friend more than ever now. No, it's not hubby, who I have to give mad props to for keeping the house together in my absence - he even vacuumed! - my BFF Monday through Friday is caffeine.

Oh, how I love coffee. There is no way my life would work if I didn't have something to kick me into gear each morning. Interestingly enough, I was not a coffee drinker until I had my second kid. In college I never understood drinking cup after cup of this squack to pull an all-nighter. Well, I never understood all-nighters being the anal-retentive planner I am, but I digress. A kinetic person by nature, I didn't need any outside stimulants to make it worse. In fact, I think I have some weird caffeine sensitivity since I distinctly remember starting to drink Diet Coke during these years and feeling weird - like I was going to come out of my skin. Years later, while I was waiting tables in Manhattan and having trouble sleeping I finally figured out it was the cappuccinos I drank after my shift to mask the fact that I wasn't throwing back vodka shots with the rest of my alcoholic coworkers (the restaurant industry is really the underbelly of society - one step above a crack den) that made me feel like my brain was going to burst through my skull.

Even after I had had one child and was working at Starbucks, for Christ's sake, I did not hear the siren song of the glorious bean. In fact, I was irritated by all these caffeine junkies and their need for a fix delivered in the foreign language of Strabuckian - "Venti, non-fat, no foam, 1%, double, extra hot latte" Wha? Now, Starbucks is really a great company - they give full medical, dental and vision benefits if you work twenty hours a week which was why I was working there in the first place - but it is also the epicenter of some serious get-the-hell-over-yourself coffee snobbery. And most of these picky assholes - a term I feel justified in using if you send a cup of coffee back three times - are in their early twenties, a time when you can manage your own schedule in order to actually get some sleep. Why are you so damn tired? Up all night partying? Well I was up all night nursing and you don't see me freaking out about a quarter inch of foam harshing my latte buzz. It's a freaking cup of coffee, not a martini, so don't give me all these damn specifics. (I only understand such persnickety behavior when alcohol is involved, apparently, as I absolutely can not drink my beloved Chardonnay if it is one degree above the perfect temperature.) It's coffee - pour it, put some crap in it and move on. And before my hubby can chime in here, yes, I do have some serious alterations in my coffee orders when Starbucks trots out those delicious holiday drinks (Non-fat, peppermint mocha - two pumps peppermint, one pump mocha), but, seriously, unless I want all my teeth to fall out I do not need that much syrup when pancakes aren't involved - so shutty your pie-hole, Mister. My establishment of choice these days is Dunkin Donuts. I not only find their coffee less bitter, but any place that has a whole wall of donuts, not just a pile of stale, artisan donuts from some obscure bakery that uses free-trade flour, is my kind of place. All this being said, while I was wearing the green apron, I did not imbibe at all.

Fast-forward four years and three kids later and I am now a slave to the bean. I didn't realize how dependent I had become until about a month ago. I suffer from occasional migraines, but I had a week when I had one every day. This isn't just a headache, mind you, I go blind in one eye and have to lie in a darkened room - not exactly functional for a mom. Even the coffee I was drinking to combat the symptoms wasn't helping. Seven days and seven migraines later, I was making the morning coffee, which hubby had done the previous week and I see the bag he's been using is DECAF! Here I was worrying I was in the early stages of a stroke and the whole time I was in caffeine withdrawal. In hubby's defense the bags are not marked very well and it was an easy mistake to make. Why was there even decaf in the house you ask? Well, I still have my caffeine sensitivity issue. It's seriously bad. I either have to mix half decaf and half regular coffee or drink the tiniest cup of regular or I go off the deep end. I guess I am so tightly wound as it is that too much added stimulation can turn me into a raving lunatic. Several of our worst fights ever have occurred because hubby made full strength coffee and didn't tell me. I have to be careful with my afternoon jolt or I wind up screaming at the kids over things like lint.

So thank you caffeine, for getting my through the day. Where would I be without you? I'll tell you where, lying on the living room floor, still in my pajamas, surrounded by unfolded laundry, covered in dog hair from my un-vacuumed floor, trying to convince the kids that The Quiet, Be Still Game is great fun.

If only my town had a drive-thru Dunkin Donuts, my life would be perfect. Well, maybe not since we'd go into bankruptcy to support my habit or I'd have to turn myself out as an Iced Coffee whore.