OK, I know. I missed a Friday Top 5. Apologies to all. Easter came fast and furious and before I knew it I had less than two days in which to purchase and assemble my kids' Easter baskets. Easter is one of those holidays that really doesn't register unless you are a kid or have one. As I was assembling said baskets I had a chance to think about all the things I love and hate about Easter and came up with a special edition Monday Top 5. Again, mostly edible - shut up.
Top 5 Things that Suck About Easter
5. White tights - As a kid I remember the torture of having to keep a pair of white tights clean for this holiday that happens to occur during the muddiest time of year. I now get to experience the other side of this conundrum as a parent, further complicated by the fact that by Easter I am usually down to one pair for each of my girls having exhausted them through the winter and better, more prepared, mothers have bought out every pair at Old Navy that don't have those ridiculous ruffles on the ass. I swear my kids' only memory of Easter will be me screaming on the way to the car, "Oh, COME ON! Stay out of the MUD!"
4. Cadbury creme eggs - I sure you're all familiar with this candy, but if not, a refresher. Cadbury creme eggs are hollow chocolate eggs that are filled with a creamy/gelatinous sugar mixture that is supposed to resemble real raw egg. What I think it resembles I can not say as my father and father in-law read this, but this filling is so nasty I would not eat this if it were the last candy on earth. I went to college with a girl who was so obsessed with this confection she would stockpile them when Easer came around. She would sit in my papa-san chair, nibble off the end and suck out the filling. I feel nauseous just writing this.
3. Ham - Ham is the devil's work. While I'm sure there is a way to prepare it so it doesn't resemble the world's largest pencil eraser in color and texture, I have yet to encounter it. I do enjoy pork, in general, but there is something so wrong about the solidity of ham and the way it flops off the bone in rubbery slices that makes my skin crawl.
2. Jelly beans - Whenever I see jelly beans I think of children from times long ago like Laura Ingalls Wilder from Little House on the Prairie or Francie from A Tree Grows in Brooklyn - and know that a child has not enjoyed this candy since. To clarify I'm talking about the huge, mass produced variety like Brach's, not the fancy-schmancy kind like Jelly Bellys which I do enjoy when pressed. Jelly Bellys correct a major problem with other beans - size. Who wants to chew away on a giant hunk of gelatinous sugar? Most of the cheaper varieties (all I got as a kid) are also of indeterminant flavor. Of course, there is always one jelly bean that did have flavor - the horrid black jelly bean - nemesis of children's palates everywhere as their little faces are blown off by the taste of licorice. Jelly beans look cool when scattered in your Easter basket, but how good could they be if you willingly give them to your dad?
1. Peeps - What I hate most about Peeps is the disparity between how much I want to love them and how much I actually hate them. The way they are lined up in perfect formation in their little cellophane coffin, nary a granule of colored sugar out of place, appeals to my fastidious nature. Their soft texture upon handling suggests a pillowy center reminiscent of Mallowmars, but upon consumption more closely resembles foam rubber. Peeps don't play around with the palate either. They are sugar, dammit! Let's not pretend with "flavor" and "taste". My father, a Peep connoisseur, is going to have a bone to pick with me about making this Easter icon my number one. He prefers to eat them after they have been out of their wrapper for a few days. I think I have any argument he might make beat because, seriously, how good is a candy you enjoy more when it's stale?
I hope you all had a great holiday. Now if you'll excuse me I must go pilfer my children's Easter candy. Their baskets are, of course, jelly bean and Peep-free zones.
2 comments:
When I was a kid I hated eating eggs and I had this dream that the Cadbury egg had all the nutritional value of a real egg. I fantasized that my parents would pack one of these eggs in my lunch every day (a la Ramona Quimby, Age 8) to keep me healthy.
Now when I look at the Cadbury egg I want to vomit. The sugar content is enough to put someone into diabetic shock.
Great comment about the peeps. It's purely a visual thing. Being a sugar junkie myself as a kid even I would bypass them. They were truly pointless in terms of consumption.
BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
"The way they are lined up in perfect formation in their little cellophane coffin, nary a granule of colored sugar out of place, appeals to my fastidious nature."
Oh my god, the tears, the tears. "nary a granule of colored sugar out of place" is just an amazing phrase. AMAZING.
Adn serious props on the title.
ps: hate jelly bens, ham can suck it, and cadbury eggs are only good if you've had too many pills.
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