Momtourage

OK, the website iVillage, usually makes me want to puke my guts out with its dumbed-down political coverage and same "steal time for yourself" nonsense I discussed last week. Never mind that retch-inducing TV show they used to have lead by the animatronic Bill Rancic (who I am convinced is the one who left the hate mail). Something I do actually like on their site is the word they've created - momtourage.

While I do not enjoy the queer connotations they've given it, I appreciate promoting the concept that women need a support system of friends when in the trenches raising a family. I also appreciate its reference to one of my favorite TV shows and I'd like to think my momtourage is closer to that group. I have come up with a list of characteristics a mother should look for in their potential momtourage members, either singly, or in combination, to make this gig called parenting much easier.

1. A friend with older/more kids than you - A friend like this can give you sage advice and a shoulder to cry on since she's been there and done that. And while this is quite comforting, an added benefit to having this type of friend is nothing makes your lot in life seem much more bearable than seeing someone who's in a hell of a lot worse situation than you. Right now I bitch having to drag #1 to soccer two days a week, but that's nothing compared to my friend, S, who has three kids as well, two of whom are old enough to play sports and join clubs. And the damn homework. I'll shut my yap and get down on my knees to thank God all I have to do is get my kid through three worksheets after listening to S tell me about the diorama her oldest had to make detailing the ecosystem of the rain forest.

2. The friend who works/stays home - It is imperative that everyone have a friend who is living your "other" life. Not only are we keeping the options open for all mothers, but it also makes the grass on the other side look much more in need of a mowing and choked with dandelions. Days when I don't think I can sing "The Wheels on the Bus" one more time or make #2 another plate of goat cheese crackers (seriously, where does she get her tastes?) I try to think of my pal down the street who runs to catch a train after dropping her oldest at school and know that I would rather be here than there. Because while she does get to dress up every day and talk to grown ups about something other than carpool, I get to see the smile on my kids faces when they come home each day. And on her side, she might envy the things I just listed, but when I tell her of my insecurities about my own financial worth and atrophying of my critical thinking skills due to heavy doses of Blues Clues, it must make her feel a little better about her choice too.

3. The friend with the messy house - In our relentless pursuit of perfection, women can become crazed about things that really don't matter. I, for instance, am obsessed with removing dog hair from my floors lest anyone think my house is dirty. Occasionally, as I am about to imprison the baby in his highchair and whip out the vacuum, yet again, with Sisyphean resignation, I think of my friend whose house, while reasonably clean and organized, is not a shrine to Good Housekeeping and she could not care less. Her breakfast dishes are still in the sink at three o'clock? She doesn't care. She'd rather take her kids to the park. We all need a friend like this who is living what we think is our worst case scenario, whether you issue is the cleanliness of your floors or the lack or cooking skills, to see that the world would not end should you not beat yourself up over your shortcoming. I would see that if the baby were, in fact, able to pick up fistfuls of dog hair off the floor he would not wind up in therapy (OK, I might shoot myself at that point, but I'm trying.) Accept your limitations and move on.

4. A woman your age with no children - Everyone needs an escape and when I have had it with the kids and the house and Hubby (that one's rare, H!) I hightail it out of the house and make plans with one of my friends who has not yet reproduced. Hanging out with these ladies, I get a break from the constant worry of mothering, Because even when you go out-out with your mom pals, like I did this weekend to a bar, you still find yourself asking questions about next week's book report. I found myself doing just that while having my fifth drink wearing The Pony Shoes and thought, "What the hell am I doing??", but you can't help yourself. When you hang out with the child-free you feel like an ass talking about your kids so it's a built in safety valve. It also gives you perspective on your own life, because while I miss my single days, wouldn't really want to live them again and I realize how lucky I really am. It also helps that with these ladies only one of you needs childcare so it's less like trying to align the planets.

So, thank you, to my posse. You keep my sane and I couldn't do it without you. Now if I could combine Entourage with my momtourge we'd all go have a champagne lunch at The Ivy (with Lloyd, of course).