I confess Part 3

...that I absolutely refuse to read and actively despise the following magazines: Parents, Parenting, FamilyFun (sic), Child Magazine and American Baby. I think all of them should be retitled and named exactly the same thing Guilt Monthly.

To me, these magazines are just a catalogue of things I should be doing with my kids and am not. For example, I should be making crafts out of recycled milk cartons and grocery bags - our milk doesn't come in cartons since I am a bad, cheap mother and do not buy organic milk and those bags are for dog crap, thanks. I should be making them each their own well-organized, baby books documenting their developmental and emotional milestones - does a steno pad with a coffee stain on the cover containing mad scribblings such as, "ate peas today" count? I should be reading to them for hours a day and, of course, TV is the devil. I should be cooking nutritious kid-friendly meals that we all eat together as a family rather than serving them the separately cooked elements of hubby's and my dinner, sans sauce, since I know they won't appreciate Spicy Thai Beef and I don't feel like eating organic ground chicken patties made to look like clown faces. And, of course, rather than telling them, "I don't care if you want to, it's a beautiful day. Go outside", then racing around folding laundry and cooking dinner, I should be outside playing creative, mind-expanding games with my children so they get enough exercise.

And speaking of exercise, the other thing that irritates me in these rags is their "All About You" or some similar queerly titled section devoted to mothers themselves that covers topics like fitness, makeup and fashion. And while I can definitely use t he fashion advice, I hate this section because it makes me feel like the only mother in America who doesn't need to be reminded to take time for myself. Sunday afternoon? See ya', Mommy's gotta get her brows done. They talk about "stealing" time for yourself. Time for yourself is a right (as stated in the Second Amendment* of The Constitution of Motherhood currently up for ratification by the State of New Mary pending resolution of a Monthly Massage Amendment) and, no, I don't have any guilt about it (no hate, H!).

And the exercise bit. Please. Playing tag with my kids did nothing to help me shed the baby weight and using said baby as a weight to do push-ups or sit-ups devolved quickly into a drool-coated wrestling match. Under The Personal Maintenance Act of Momgress** it is perfectly legal to lock the kids in their rooms for thirty minutes while you allow Billy Blanks to torture you. Or get thee to a gym with childcare, which ever floats your boat.

So if you enjoy these mags, more power to ya'. You must be a much more secure mother than I. For now I will continue actively avoiding them to maintain my sanity. I sort of like my magazines to be an escape from real life which is why I read Self and imagine I have infinite money for clothes and time to train for a triathlon. I spend enough time reminding myself of what I'm not doing, I don't need to read a magazine that's title might as well be Should.

*The First Amendment states all mothers have earned the right after delivery to never swallow semen again. Not that bj's are out of the question, but seriously, after what I just did for you, I'm not trying to impress you any more. Go get a towel.

** Also under this act is the removal of any guilt for leaving offspring with Hubby or childcare to obtain the following services: Hair cut or color, manicures, pedicures, lip wax or bikini wax.