My biggest fear

"At least eight pedestrians were struck and injured by a vehicle that drove onto the sidewalk at West 35th Street and Seventh Avenue, in the garment district of Midtown Manhattan, at around 5 p.m. Friday, officials said."

And Hubby was 100 feet away from it when it happened. I know. I'm still reeling. I am so sad for the people who were injured (none of them fatally, thank God), but I am so grateful that whatever you want to call it - God, fate, luck - kept Hubby out of harm's way. Losing Hubby is one of my two biggest fears in life (the other losing one of the kids, or course), but if I really want to get morbid about it, losing him in some freak, "wrong place, wrong time" kind of scenario is the worst embodiment of that fear. Of course we all think of 9/11, but remember that Long Island Railroad shooting? Just by choosing the wrong train car to sit in a lot of people wound up dead. That scares the shit out of me.

I was particularly shaken Friday because just a few days earlier Hubby had asked me, "Don't you feel especially happy lately?" He went on to describe how he felt the two of us were in good groove and really into each other as of late, the kids are all doing really well, works going good. Basically, things are pretty damn great these days in the Barchetto household. Feeling this way frightens me because I always wonder if it can last. Charlotte says in Sex and the City, "Nobody gets everything they want." and, occasionally, I think of all I have and am afraid. I think be being constantly aware and grateful I can keep my family safe from harm like some kind of voodoo. If I don't take anything for granted fate will be kind and let me be.

Perhaps you think I'm some morbid freak, but I don't have much faith in things always working out just because you think they should. I'm always afraid of being blind-sided. You can't be if you expect the worst. I never thought my mother would die and look what happened. I told God I really couldn't handle anymore tragedy and could he spare me a miscarriage? - I got the big finger on that one.

I know I sound like a big baby. I got dealt a shitty hand a few times and I'm letting it affect me way too much. Well, maybe. This fear doesn't stop me from enjoying my happiness, perhaps I appreciate it more knowing how fragile it is.

So I will continue to send my silent prayers of gratitude into the great unknown and not be afraid to enjoy my blessings as I count them.