Inspiration for this Friday's list came yesterday as I was cleaning out the TV cabinet. We have an extraordinary number of Charlie Brown videos and while we all know and love Chuck and the gang, I have, over the last five years, with repeated viewings, come to realize that the parents of these children would have been arrested for abandonment in the real world. There are some serious unsupervised activities in these specials, which regardless of time period, just do not make sense. So this Friday...
Top 5 Counts of Child Endangerment to be Brought Against the Parents of the Peanuts Gang
5. In Merry Christmas Charlie Brown Chuck goes to buy a tree for the Christmas play. Who lets their kid go buy a Christmas tree by themselves, for Pete's sake? Thank God he wound up with that sad, pathetic, little tree to carry all alone otherwise his inattentive folks would have found him dead from exposure pinned beneath the weight of a Douglas Fir two days later. (Side note: Also, disturbing? Linus' ability to quote scripture.)
4. Lucy and Linus' parents get a turn with the DA after It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. What did they say when Linus told them of his Halloween night plans? "Sure, go ahead and spend the entire night alone, outdoors, on Halloween in a pumpkin patch with only your sad little wooby to protect you from the elements, Son!" Or maybe he didn't even ask them and it was his sister who finally realized at four in the morning that Linus had not come home. I know back then kids could actually trick or treat alone and eat candy straight out of their bags without fear of choking on a razor blade, but come on.
3. Nothing says it's A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving like leaving your kids home alone with the dog. Ignoring the fact that Charlie and Sally's parents skip town and head to Grandma's early on the most family-centered of holidays, let's focus on the fact that all of Chuck's friends are given the OK to go over to a friend's house, where the parents are MIA, for dinner on a national holiday. I do love the fact that Charles Schultz tried to make this kids-only meal seem less dangerous by not having the kids use the stove. Because Linus loosing his eyebrows in a pilot light incident would have killed the holiday spirit.
2. Peppermint Patty's parents were not so savvy about the stove-usage in It's the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown. In fact, Marcy and Peppermint Patty (the first animated lesbian couple) use a hot waffle iron, griddle and, finally, a pot of boiling water in their attempt to make Easter eggs. Of course, it concludes without incident because This is the Burn Unit Charlie Brown! would not have been a hit on CBS.
1. Get ready to slap the irons on Mr. and Mrs. Brown once the judge hears what you did in Bon Voyage, Charlie Brown! You allowed your school-aged child to fly, unattended, to France as part of an exchange program with all the details of his accommodations and host family in an untranslated letter written in French. Would it really have killed you to buy and French/English dictionary to figure out where your kid would be staying? It might have tipped you off that perhaps this program was not legit if you saw your kid would be staying at Château du Mal Voisin, aka, the "Castle of the Bad Neighbor".
I think I have made my case. I do not think twenty five to life would be too much to ask for, but perhaps we can show some leniency since they sent the dog along on most of these trips. I move that temporary custody be given to Snoopy and Woodstock.
Happy Friday!
2 comments:
Where do you come up with these things??? Hysterical!! :)
Hilarious, and oh so true. I realize that a parents-free environment makes for better entertainment, but nowhere is it more obvious, and potentially dangerous, than at the hands of the immortal Charles Schultz. The makers of Dora the Explorer might warrant a subsequent post. Her "adventures" scream of child abandonment!
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