Shouldn't they just know this?

"What does 'since' mean?" This question was posed by my five year-old the other day and I have to say I was stumped. I had to really stop and think how to describe the meaning (I resorted to the dictionary which described it as "between then and now"). This was not the first time I have been confounded when trying to answer one of my children's questions. That's what no one prepares you for when you become a parent, how to teach and explain what is basically common knowledge, but difficult to express.

The obvious examples of difficult questions that people think of are sex and death and while I have had to handle both topics with my kids to varying degrees, between the birth of my son and my mother's absence, I was expecting these questions and had long thought about what my answers would be when the time came. My husband is spared, unfairly in my opinion, since I'm the one around most, hence, he has no right to complain about our daughters throwing around the words penis and vagina. Him: "Do they really need to know that?" Me: "What do I tell them when a stork doesn't actually show up with their brother, idiot?" He has been involved in some of the other, less intense, questions and lessons and, thank God, because these kids can really stump me.

Our most recent teaching/learning experience was how to tie shoes. While, at first glance, this might seem simple, until you try to explain it. It's like trying to describe how to breathe - you just know how to do it. The first part of the lesson is deciding which kind of house you're going to be. Are you a balloon and string house (single loop with other lace wrapping around it) or a bunny ears house (double loops being crossed and tied). If each parent has a different method you're screwed. We also have the added challenge in that I am left-handed. After you have decided upon a method you have to describe, step-by-step the process. Sit for a minute and try - it sucks.

Tying your shoes is just one example of the everyday things you know how to do that are nearly impossible to describe in detail. The list also includes snapping your fingers. Nothing is sadder than watching my five year-old flick her fingers soundlessly and tell me, "Look Mom! I'm doing it!" Do I correct her? The fraternal twin of snapping, whistling, is equally challenging. Mr. Rogers makes it look so easy, meanwhile my poor kid is hyperventilating trying to keep up.

There's a whole other set of skills that let's say fall under the heading of "Personal Care" - more intimate skills that your kid really needs to know once they spend more time alone at school. Blowing their nose is the least disgusting. "Blow out your nose" might seem the best way to describe it, but the word "blow" to a three year-old usually involves bubbles so each time I said it my middle one would pucker up puff away. Not very helpful for a stuffy nose. My other favorite from the list is mind-boggling to people without kids - you have to teach them to wipe their butts. Again, it might seem self-explanatory how one knows when the job is done down there, but after repeated discussions about this particular aspect of hygiene some of my laundry occasionally looks like it spent time on a turkey farm if you get my drift. I have a family member, who shall remain nameless, who actually would, as a small child, call out from the bathroom, pants around the ankles, "CHECK ME!", to make sure the job was done. Maybe I'm a bad mother, but I'll wait for the evidence later on rather than look at my kid's corn-hole twice a day.

If we want to continue in this vein (and who doesn't!), you also have to teach kids farting etiquette - when it's OK and not OK to fart and what to do about it. This became a concern for me recently when my oldest, who has a penchant for broccoli, was beginning kindergarten. Random tooting might be acceptable behavior in preschool, but I wasn't going to have her be The Girl Who Farts in elementary school. Having already covered saying "excuse me" when passing gas, I had to have an in-depth conversation with her about excusing herself from the room or at the very least moving to an unpopulated corner if she felt a gaseous since it's just not cool to do it next to people. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

The list goes on and on - the social taboos of nose picking, not pulling your dress up over your head - but it is through these lessons that you realize how much your kids depend on you. You are helping create a person who has to function in society and it can be quite a daunting task. It can be frustrating, but at the same time, very fulfilling - especially with all that butt checking.