Shall we make Friday "List Day"?

I enjoyed writing my list of good time music so much last Friday that I have decided to make Friday "List Day" here at Mean Mommy. I'm sure I'll regret this decision down the road when I run out of things to write about, but while I have grist for the mill let's go for it.

This Friday - DONUTS! For those of you who know me you know I consider donuts one of man's greatest inventions along with pie and wine. Throw in some good cheese and bread and that's actually a perfect menu. Donuts have that perfect combination of sugar and hot fat that make them irresistible in any form - funnel cakes, zeppolle, beignets - if it's fried dough with sugar on it I will eat it in quantities that inspire shock and awe. I am so in love with donuts that when I was going through false labor with daughter #2 I ate my way through a dozen from Dunkin' Donuts.

The mention of this fine establishment brings me to the point that while there are several donut shops in the northeast, my main access point is DD. The majority of my list will come from there with a few notable exceptions and I have noted the origin of each masterpiece to be clear. Sadly, the super-friendly Pakistani family that runs our local franchise actually know me by name (shout out to Mobin!). Mary runs on Dunkin'.

Top five donut varieties and why I love them
5. Coconut (DD) - I put this controversial donut way down at number five although, personally, I think it ranks much higher on the list. Some people might think the addition of an artificial toasted coconut coating is overkill when eating something already so sweet, but go big or go home. And as if we can't get enough fat into a piece of fried dough let's coat it in hydrogenated fat loaded bits! I love having them to pick out of my teeth after I'm done. Souvenirs!

4. Glazed (DD, but any source but boxed) - I know, many of you will be irate that this donut classic is so low on the list, but while I enjoy a good glazed, I do have a problem with them. They are so insubstantial! I like a donut I can sink my teeth into, not one that collapses with the slightest pressure and can be wolfed down in three bites (not that I've counted). This creates the embarrassing situation for me of having to eat six and no one wants to witness that. I will concede that adding frosting and sprinkles ups the heft and enjoyment of this variety, but I think these are the donut equivalent of having sex in a bathtub. Still enjoyable, but way overrated.

3. Powdered (again, anything but boxed) - I am removing boxed powdered donuts from this category because they can vary so widely in their sugar usage. Some varieties have that weird almost mentholated sugar that has a flavor. The powder on a powdered donut should be like salt, it adds to the flavor, but really isn't a flavor itself. These donuts are a favorite in my house, or van, I should say, and the backseat looks like a Columbian drug cartel has taken up residence most Sunday mornings after Daddy makes a coffee run. The telltale sugar trail is their only drawback.

2. Chocolate cake - These donuts are, for me, as close to perfection as you can get. You get the enjoyment of the glaze from a glazed donut, but these are hefty enough in weight you don't need to eat six (not that it stops me). They have the perfect amount of heavenly chocolate flavor that doesn't try too hard to compete with a brownie. Again, they do come with frosting and sprinkles - which I adore - but this is for the truly hardcore. It's a donut boiler-maker.

1. Chocolate frosted (Entemann's) - This is the only boxed entry on my list, but how could I not include such an icon? That is why they are my number one. These donut have the dubious distinction of being both the best and worst donut. They're the best because they are damn good and easily available at your local grocery store where they wave their chocolaty mitts at from you from behind their little plastic window screaming, "Take me home with you!". The interior resembles yellow cake, but it's the chocolate coating that is the star of the show. About a quarter of an inch thick layer of chocolate shell has been poured over these beauties. I used to eat my way around the outer edge to leave the almost-solid chocolate ring of the donut hole to pop in my mouth for a burst of partially-hydrogenated goodness.

There's the bad part. These donuts are horrible for you, as are all donuts, but this company actually puts the nutritional information on the box!! I want to black it out with a Sharpie when I buy them. Can't we adopt the "don't ask, don't tell" policy? (Horrible, horrible policy that I am truly appalled by, but I love mixing politics with donuts!) I did sneak a peek one time and it was not a good idea. It was like finding out there's no Santa. Two hundred and ninety calories and nineteen grams of fat! In a baked good that takes three minutes to eat. But how can we be expected not love a "frosting" that is made of hydrogenated oils and lard that can be rock hard at room temperature? What's even better is the fatty coating you get to scrape off your hard palate after you eat one.

So there it is. My top 5. While making this list I also thought about some donuts that truly suck. And while they are few in number, they do exist. For example, ANY donut with filling. Jelly-filled, frosting-filled or the nauseating Boston cream donut are just the work of the devil - taking a heavenly confection and making it truly inedible. The way the cold filling spurts out, well, ladies, we have something to compare it to and it's just as gross. The other donut that I do not understand falls under the "why bother?" category - the plain donut. They taste like big fat wads of dough with nothing to disguise the flavor of the oil they have been so lovingly fried in. It's like a drag queen with no make-up - just weird.

All of this writing has given me a craving like junkie. It's snowing like mad though so I'm trapped with no fix. Now who's the genius who's going to come up with a donut delivery service?