The Baby Crystal Ball

My son has officially being crying for an hour. Don't look so appalled. He's actually been crying on and off during that period of time, not wailing non-stop, but it still stinks. This crying began after he awoke from a too short, forty minute nap and I am determined to get him to go back to sleep. I think. This is where my fantasy invention, The Baby Crystal Ball would come in handy.

The Baby Crystal Ball is actually just the brand name, it really isn't a crystal ball at all, much like the Diaper Genie isn't a mythical figure come to grant wishes ("I wish this poo didn't stink so bad"). The BCB is actually a small screen that comes with a remote. When you are faced with a difficult parenting situation you turn it on and it will show you the resultant outcome of the action you are contemplating. Take my current situation, the BCB would show me what would happen if I went to get my son and, magically, I would know whether or not it is the right decision. I would see on the monitor that after I get him up, he becomes overcome by fatigue at five-thirty, which is too close to bedtime to let him nap again and he refuses to eat his dinner of strained carrots. He nurses badly before nodding off at the breast and wakes up every two hours all night to eat and I, subsequently, contemplate suicide. The BCB would also tell me when my son really needs to eat in the middle of the night and when it's really bullshit by showing me, in advance, each time I would have gone in there, put the nipple in his mouth and he would promptly fall asleep. Basically, the BCB would eliminate all those times mothers say, "Damn it! I knew I should have (insert action here)!" because they didn't listen to their instincts. The BCB would give them hard evidence to rely on.

The BCB can be used for all sorts of parenting decisions and continues to be handy as your children grow. Want to take the next step in potty training but aren't sure if your three year-old can handle wearing underpants to the mall? Use the BCB and see her telling you she needs to use the potty and keeping herself dry. Torn about signing your shy, non-athlete up for the very expensive soccer camp? BCB will show him, after you've paid the exorbitant fees, bought the uniform and "cool" cleats, going for two days, coming home and telling you he hates it and you spending the rest of the summer dragging him there bodily. Debating if your thirteen year-old daughter can buy that mini-skirt? BCB shows her in said skirt flirting with a senior who's dumb as a brick who eventually becomes her boyfriend who she spends endless hours texting and when you tell her to get off the phone screaming at you, "BUT I LOVE HIM!!!!"

If only parenting were this easy. I know these small questions like, "Is he tired?" will pale in comparison, years down the road when I'm dealing with ,"Where should he go to college?". Maybe by then my fantasy, a la Minority Report, will have become a reality.