Play nice...

The school year is back in full swing.  Well, almost full swing, with the Jewish holidays, which are such a nice break during this early time when three consecutive days of packing lunches and reminding people to pack their backpacks seems like an eternity. With the return of the school year comes sports and activities and time with friends.  It is also a return to the constant inquiry, "Mom, can I have a playdate?"

For those of you not well-versed in modern parental parlance, a "playdate" is what we used to call "having a friend over".  Now, instead of kids arranging a time to hang out and play, then confirming it's OK with a caregiver, the caregivers are now responsible for contacting each other, setting a date, at least 24 hours in advance, and arranging transportation.  In my day, we went "to call" for our friends, knocking on doors (alone!), asking if "So-and-so can come out and play".  I tell my children this and their eyes bulge in amazement.  To be fair, my oldest now considers it babyish if I call her social appointments playdates, but once upon a time, she and I entered the strange world of modern childhood interaction just as Little Man has started to do.  And as I encounter the parents of his friends, many of whom are making plans for this, the oldest child in the family, I see their bewilderment at this complicated social dance.

So I came up with a some rules.

Mean Mommy's Guide to the World of Playdates

Congratulations.  You are ready to step outside of toddlerhood' bubble and host or take your child to their first drop-off playdate!  So get ready to enjoy some freedom while they are gone, or have your child leave you alone as he or she plays with someone other than you in your home.

But first, some ground rules...

Rule 1:  Transfer pertinent information.  If your kid is mortally terrified of large dogs, please make sure you inquire about canines in the home prior to arrival.  This allows the host, who owns a one hundred pound yellow lab, to put him in her bedroom, rather than let him smell and lick every inch of your child upon your arrival.  Conversely, if you have forty-seven cats, birds who fly freely around your home* or some other unusual situation, you might want to give a sister a heads up.

Are there any allergies?  Maybe the host has planned a snack of peanut butter sandwiches and strawberry smoothies.  Maybe you will be making sculptures made entirely of gluten and shrimp shells. OK, probably not, but in any case, she needs to know.

Also feel free to ask about firearms in the home.  It might result in some WTF? face occasionally, but most parents will respect you for the inquiry - after wondering what makes you think they have an arsenal in the basement.

Rule 2:  Show up on time.  Never early.  This interrupts the host mother from shoveling dishes into the dishwasher and forging a path through the detritus in her toy room to create a space for the kids to play in.  Alternately, if you are going to be more than ten minutes late, call.  No kid wants to feel like he's getting stood up for prom, waiting at the door, Hot Wheels in hand.

Rule 3:  Leave. I know you are slightly terrified at the idea of leaving your child in a non-licensed adult's care, but this person is also a parent, and has managed to keep their child alive, so ninety minutes with your s shouldn't be a problem.  The host probably has some laundry to fold, or phone calls to make, which she can now do in semi-peace since your child will be occupying her child.  Please don't waste your time or hers by sticking around and making small talk.

Rule 4:  Provide refreshments   You already know this, kids need constant feeding.  If you are hosting a date that will be going on around 10 a.m. or 3 p.m., you need to provide a snack.  I have picked my kids up from playdates, where they immediately start moaning in the car, "I'm hungry....", because the host never fed them anything.  Seriously?  

As a host, the worst is the kid who treats your house like a 24 diner, walking into the kitchen announcing, "I'm hungry!" several times during their stay.**  Much like Mammy in Gone with the Wind, making Scarlett eat that gigantic breakfast before the Wilkes's barbecue, I always top my kids off before dropping them somewhere.  A snack is an appropriate expectation.  A four course meal is not.  And while we're on the topic of food, be reasonable about what you feed your guests.  Don't try to be the "fun mom" letting the kids have Skittles and Ding Dongs at ten in the morning.  Throw some Goldfish at the problem and be done with it.

Rule 5: Be on time for pick up.  Perhaps you think your child is an angel and anyone would be lucky to get a few extra minutes with him or her.  In reality, your child is a hellion, who just spent 90 minutes wrecking my playroom.  OK, not all the time, but the host mom has probably done some pre-school mediating over which Hot Wheels track to set up, met requests for juice and pretzels, and put a stop to some questionable weapon creation.  So come get your kid within five minutes of the arranged time.

Unlike, drop off, pick up should be a longer process because you are required to come in, assess the carnage and make the token offer to help clean up.  For the children's benefit, a few items should be put away so they learn to clean up after themselves. However, at some reasonable point, the host should stop the guests parent and tell them the rest can be left.  If you are picking up a child at my house, however, it's really because I don't want you throwing any more Legos in with the Tinker Toys (I have a clear system.  I don't know why people just pick up a bin and start tossing handfuls in, willy-nilly).

Rule 6: This rule is not actually followed the day of the playdate.  At some point in the next week, or two the guest parent should reciprocate and host a second playdate at their home.  Unless your child was tortured to the point of tears by the host child, not returning the favor is rude.

I hate it when I've had a kid over twice, and the third time I call to set something up, because my kid is badgering me and I give in, the clueless newbie on the other end of the line doesn't know enough to say, "You've hosted twice already!  Let me take him!"  It's not that I mind having kids at my house, but my kid is tired of letting your kid touch his stuff.  Now it's your turn.  In all fairness, these are usually the kids who are the oldest in their family and the mother is dealing with younger children as well.  But at some point, you have to embrace the madness and invite other children into your home.

So good luck and Godspeed! May no one lose and eye or go into anaphylactic shock on your watch.

*No joke, this happened to #2. it was like an Alfred Hitchcock movie in there.
**I detest when children proclaim their needs expecting them to be met.  You lose that right after the age of three.  If you're hungry, the appropriate communication is "Can I please have something to eat?".