It all started with American Idol. Now the list includes:
The X Factor
America's Got Talent
The Voice
The Sing Off
So You Think You Can Dance
Dancing with the Stars
Between all of these shows, I am so, so tired of watching people croon, sashay and juggle their way across my TV screen. "Why not stop watching them?", one might ask. Because I have school-aged children who stay up past 7 p.m. now, that's why.
I look back, with fond memories, on the days when as the clock was hitting seven, my ass was hitting the couch, remote and peanut butter jar in my hands. Those days are gone, my friend. While Little Man is in bed early, #2 is still yammering about marine mammals until eight o'clock, and #1 is glued to my side until close to nine. So unless I want to watch, yet another, episode of Good Luck Charlie*, these shows are practically my only choice. And on those nights when I have watched Cloris Leachman do a disturbingly sexual samba, I want to cry out loud,
"WHY DID YOU LEAVE US, BILL COSBY????"
Where have the family-oriented sitcoms of our childhood gone? Sure, there are family shoes on now, take Modern Family, for instance. While I love it dearly, as it is a reflection of my family (father married to a fiery-tempered South American, one child, a control freak with three kids, married to a lovable dufus, and, the other, a hilarious homosexual), it is not exactly kid-friendly. Take the episode where the kids walk in on Phil and Claire having more-than-missionary-position sex. What, exactly, would I have told my kids about that? All the sitcoms I love, Parks and Red, 30 Rock, and the new, and wet your pants funny Mindy Project and The New Normal, all have so much sexual innuendo, and so many adult plot lines, they are pretty much unwatchable with anyone under the age of fourteen.
Do you remember, back in the 80s, all the great shows that actually centered around the lives of kids? The kids were not just the butts of jokes, or creators of zany situations that they would then disappear from, they were the main characters. Webster, Punky Brewster, Gimme A Break, Charles in Charge, Who's the Boss?, Diff'rent Strokes, Benson, The Facts of Life, Growing Pains, Silver Spoons, ALF. Let's not even discuss that debacle, Small Wonder. Scientist creates and annoying girl robot and adopts it as part of his family? I guess that was before the time of IVF and international adoption, but damn, that kid was so annoying I would taken her batteries out and shoved her in a closet, like I did with the Zhu Zhu Pets after six months.
Yes, yes, many of these shows did delve into serious topics, but at least your parents had some notice when that night's installment was billed a "very special episode". The Facts of Life and Diff'rent Strokes, in particular, had some pretty heavy shit going on: drugs, eating disorders, and sex (TFOL), drugs, eating disorders, kidnapping and child molestation (DS). I still remember these episodes to this day. Kimberly from TFOL passing out from not eating, Dudley's father's intensely repeating his son's name after he discovers he's almost fallen prey to the pedophile "bike guy", all burned in my brain. But alongside all this lesson-teaching was some regular old fun that my parents didn't mind watching with us. Tony Danza was pretty funny in Who's the Boss, and I gotta say, I'd watch a few episodes of Benson tonight with the kids. Ugh, but not that snooty Mr. Belvedere, get over yourself, guy.
And then there is the Godfather of the 80s family sitcom, The Cosby Show. Bill Cosby was, of course, genius, but along with him, you got the full spectrum of family appeal, from youngest to oldest. Rudy brought the cute factor, provided later by the far inferior character, Olivia. Why the hell was that the SOS call for every 80s show? "Bring in a cute kid, preferably with a speech impediment, and the ratings'll go through the roof!" Most of them were just annoying anyway. I'm looking at you, Sam from DF. Older kids also had Vanessa, Theo, Denise to relate to. Something for everybody! And Claire. Oh, Claire. She was the beautiful, and smart, and sexy, and a strict-as-hell mother with a warm side. She and Cliff were madly in love with each other, and dealt with things like their children not studying for tests and staying out past curfew, with love and a no-bullshit policy. We weren't assaulted with "very special episodes", but we were subtly given lesson about right and wrong, then treated to the whole family lip-syncing hilariously to Ray Charles.
And now I'm supposed to spend my evenings staring at Simon Cowell's sour mug? What are today's kids learning? To never pick a John Mayer** song for your audition? Sigh.
Just as talk shows and courtroom shows have taken daytime away from soap operas and game shows (wanna see every B-level actor of your childhood? Switch over to game show network and watch a few episodes of $25,000 Pyramid), reality is king in prime time. Sitcoms seem to be making a comeback in the adult comedy arena, can I hope that some family-friendly shows might be in the works for next fall?
Despite my bitching, I have found one show that has potential, ABC's The Middle. Seems pretty appropriate, although we did see one French-kissing-with-braces scene. It has the mom from Everybody Loves Raymond and the janitor from Scrubs as the parents, who are both great. However, the youngest son, Brick does this demonic whispering thing that's supposed to be an entertaining, obsessive tic. #2 finds it "creepy".
So it's back to ballroom and ballads for now.
*Which, in the world of Disney sitcoms, is pretty amusing. The mother is the best character - a hilarious, straight-talking bulldog of a woman, convinced of her own fabulousness. Where have I seen that before...
**John Mayer is a scumbag in real life. I just know it.
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