The Baby Roll Asleep!
Where do I begin, dear readers? I was made aware of this product, not in some weird, Lillian
Vernon-esque catalogue that also sells men’s distressed pajama jeans, but after
seeing an actual commercial…on TV! #2 and I were watching The Great Food Truck Race, when this image popped up on the screen. You know a product is ridiculous when an eight year old
gives it the WTF? face.
I have been in the shoes, or rather, mom jeans, of the
poor soul in this picture.
Although, she is obviously a model, since any mother who has been
dealing with a non-sleeping baby long enough to buy this product out of
desperation does not sit at the dining room table smiling while chatting on the
phone. She would be propped up on the couch, bloodshot eyes focusing on Dr. Phil to keep her awake, still
in her pajamas at 4 p.m., not having been able to get dressed since she has to keep
this baby moving to keep him asleep.
Her table would be that clean though, rather than strewn with
the crusty breakfast dishes of a large family. Only the mother of a firstborn
would need to buy this product.
Younger siblings are in constant motion by nature of their
circumstances.
It is a hell impossible to imagine having a baby who will not
sleep. There is a reason the CIA
uses sleep deprivation as a form of torture. It WILL drive you to madness. Not being able to drink too much coffee if you are nursing,
your only artificial source of energy is sugar. So you eat sweets pretty much all day, which causes blood-sugar
related mood swings and does wonders to help get your pre-baby body back, which
Giselle has taught us takes about four weeks. You cry. A lot. You are an emotional landmine. Not getting enough rest while,
caring for a little being who does not understand what he or she is doing to
you and, therefore, can not be the recipient of your wrath, results in epic
fights with your husband about loading the dishwasher correctly.
The sheer anguish of parents just trying to get some sleep is
reflected in the number of items in the “sleep aid” aisle of Buy Buy Baby. I remember getting myself reasonably cleaned up, changing out of the track pants I'd been wearing for three days, packing up the baby and all her crap, and stumbling through the doors of the local baby emporium looking for whatever item the baby chatrooms were recommending. I was filled with hope that THIS, whatever it was, would be my saving grace. The sleep positioner mat, The Nap Nanny, I bought many of these types of things and none of them were, or are, cheap. Sure, maybe these companies are really trying to help parents, or maybe they are banking on the Abu Ghraib-like state created by a sleepless infant. Either way, I gladly threw hundreds of dollars their way.
Back to the Baby Roll Asleep. Useful or not, I really take issue with the design. Doesn't this thing basically perform the same function of a stroller? It holds the baby while you move it around on wheels. Except a stroller actually keeps the baby out of harm's way, it doesn't put the baby in the open, practically on the floor, to be spilled on and tripped over. The thing is about three inches of the floor - again, a sign that only single chile households can purchase this device. With all the food and toy parts that fall off counters and tabletops in my house, any infant in that position would be in serious danger of losing an eye via a peanut butter-covered knife or Lego. And speaking of toys, don't tell me Little Man wouldn't be stealing away with this thing the minute it was empty. I can just see him convincing his sisters to give him a ride in it.
In the fight for sleep there can be no judgement. If someone had told me, "Burn a hundred dollar bill, tie your baby to your head, and she'll sleep", it would have been a Benjamin Franklin barbecue at my house. So if you think this device is the answer to all your sleep-deprived prayers, you go right ahead and send them your $79.95. However, if you have a old hockey stick, a large cake pan, and a skateboard, you can save yourself some money. It would probably work, or not work, as well.
Back to the Baby Roll Asleep. Useful or not, I really take issue with the design. Doesn't this thing basically perform the same function of a stroller? It holds the baby while you move it around on wheels. Except a stroller actually keeps the baby out of harm's way, it doesn't put the baby in the open, practically on the floor, to be spilled on and tripped over. The thing is about three inches of the floor - again, a sign that only single chile households can purchase this device. With all the food and toy parts that fall off counters and tabletops in my house, any infant in that position would be in serious danger of losing an eye via a peanut butter-covered knife or Lego. And speaking of toys, don't tell me Little Man wouldn't be stealing away with this thing the minute it was empty. I can just see him convincing his sisters to give him a ride in it.
In the fight for sleep there can be no judgement. If someone had told me, "Burn a hundred dollar bill, tie your baby to your head, and she'll sleep", it would have been a Benjamin Franklin barbecue at my house. So if you think this device is the answer to all your sleep-deprived prayers, you go right ahead and send them your $79.95. However, if you have a old hockey stick, a large cake pan, and a skateboard, you can save yourself some money. It would probably work, or not work, as well.
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