Mother's Day Guest Writer: Hubby

Yes, it's hubby. Filling in for Mean Mommy on this Mother's Day eve for only the second time in her blogging career (see the Squirrel Incident for hubby's debut post).

Mary has the toughest job in the world. She is her own boss, but the pay is shit, the hours suck, and her subordinates are totally incompetent. Sounds like a recipe for an overload of job-related stress to me.

For some strange reason, M has it in her head that the dreaded "performance review" is some sort of treat for those of us in the corporate world. For those of us that know better, the performance review is a pretty painful process for both the giver and receiver. Reviews seem to be useful for the company in case they need to fire someone, but not much else. Regardless, I have decided to indulge her this year and, as one of her gifts, publicly post what I normally write, privately, for her amusement.

PERFORMANCE REVIEW

Company: Barchetto Inc.
Employee: Mary Barchetto
Position: Chief Executive Officer

GOALS

1. Keep children alive.

Mary has clearly met the basic requirements by keeping the offspring eating, sleeping, and breathing for yet another period. However she has shown some questionable judgment by leaving said children in the care of the far less competent Hubby, leading to several incidents in which Little Man has taken a tumble and banged his sizable noggin on stairs, the corner of the table, and occasionally the floor. The board recommends being more selective in delegating her responsibilities and possibly being more aggressive in disciplining or dismissing subordinates that are unable to perform.

2. Get #2 to go number two.

After a long battle, Mary has successfully introduced daughter #2 to the joys of pooping in the potty. The company has taken a major step in realizing its long term goal of getting all employees to be responsible for their own waste products by 2010. This accomplishment is a testament to Mary's patience, tenacity, and guile in getting the most headstrong and perplexing child on the planet to just stop crapping in her Princess training pants.

3. Relocate the corporate headquarters.

After several years of outstanding performance in cramped quarters, Mary has secured new headquarters for the company, which is expected to lead to greatly enhanced productivity over the next several years. Mary successfully executed a very tricky transaction, scrambling to get the current building up to code and driving the team to complete the deal in just two days. She delegated the financing to Hubby, but he hasn't screwed it up just yet. The board looks forward to the move in the next period and watching Mary at work in her new surroundings.

General Comments:

Again, Mary has surpassed all expectations as chief executive and should be deserving of a very large bonus. However, as stated in her contract, she serves in this capacity for no pay whatsoever but at great cost to her sanity and physical well-being. The board would love to award her something for her effort, but the company just has nothing in the coffers to give her other than the occasional flowers and heartfelt, but not-often-enough thank yous.

Mary has agreed to a lifetime of unconditional love, selfless attention, and the occasional ass-whooping (when needed) for her family--3 children and a moron who fails to realize just how good he has it. The company would completely collapse without her efforts, so a certain person should probably keep those flowers and thank yous coming to ensure our firm's continued success in the future.

Keeping the fridge full of Kendall Jackson wouldn't hurt either.

Happy Mother's Day.