Hello dear readers. Mary has left the building--off to San Francisco to visit her sister for the weekend. Oft mentioned "Hubby" is taking this opportunity to hijack the blog and tell a little tale about three kids, a minivan, and an uninvited guest.
Getting through a week without "making the blog" is quite an accomplishment for me. Many of my jackass chronicles have been documented in great detail on these pages for your amusement. Now I get to dish a little out by highlighting a small mistake the missus made before she left that had some very interesting consequences.
Shortly after lunch today, I gather up the kids and prep them for a trip to buy some soccer cleats for number one. As we head out the door, I notice one of the side doors on the van is open. This is not unusual. Now I know getting the kids into the house can be a challenge, especially with a baby in one hand and groceries in the other. But both side doors are automatic. You can close both of them remotely from the keychain, even while sitting in the house. So how the hell does the missus manage to leave the doors open overnight at least once a week? Just push the damn button. How hard is that?
So I strap the baby in, give him a graham cracker and corral the other two in their booster seats. Snacks. Check. Water. Check. Diapers. Check. I start the car and punch the buttons to automatically close the side doors. Both doors slide slowly along their tracks, sealing up our vessel like the last chopper out of Saigon. While I'm waiting to hear the click of the door to throw it into reverse, my oldest lets out the proverbial blood-curdling scream. As I snap my head back to investigate, she manages to get out the word "SQUIRREL!!!!!!!" before resuming her piercing shriek. Immediately I assume it's one of those bastard little chipmunks that have taken up residence in the walls around the driveway. They're always darting in and out of the garage and digging holes in the flower beds. And then I see it and realize I'm wrong. It's a giant fat-ass grey squirrel, scampering around the back of the van.
I quickly hit the aforementioned side door buttons and the cargo hatch in the back for good measure, figuring he'll find his way out in short order. Wrong again. He leaps on the console a few short inches to my right and then on to the passenger seat. I guess he called shotgun. At this point I'm cursing at this bastard, feeling like I'm in a bad Chevy Chase movie (yes, that's redundant) and then head out the driver side door. I start unbuckling the baby, ready to get everyone the hell out of there until this idiot rodent finds his way out of my car. Fat-ass proceeds to hop on the dashboard and slam into the windshield 4 or 5 times before finally finding the exit.
At this point, all three children are bawling and it's just chaos. I manage to calm everyone down, give the baby another graham cracker, and then get ready to go. Number one refuses until I search the van for wild animals. Not a bad idea, I must admit. After a thorough search, I assure her nothing else has taken residence in the vehicle and head up to the driver's seat to continue the original mission.
After successfully closing all doors and starting the engine, I notice the "gifts" our little furry friend left on my dash, passenger seat, and floor. The whole episode lasted just a few seconds. I have no idea how this thing managed to drop a good half-dozen pellets in multiple locations in such a short period of time. So I clean up the mess and then head back to the main cabin to look for more. Number two has what looks like a smashed raisin on her knee. Yep, it was squirrel shit. I mop it up with baby wipe and then finally manage to leave the driveway, off to Modell's to try and find pink cleats.
Now I make my share of blunders. Many of them repeatedly. But Mary, for the love of God, CAN YOU CLOSE THE EFFIN' DOORS ON THE VAN, each and every time. It was a squirrel this time, but next time it might be a colony of those damn chipmunks, a raccoon, or worse.
EPILOGUE
Later in the day, I decided to take the whole crew to Chili's for some fried crap. Geared up and ready to go, I marched everyone off to the van. Lo and behold, the door was open. Shit. How'd that happen?
8 comments:
See? SEE?? Not so easy to close those doors with #1 looking for her Pollys, #2 saying she has to go poop and Little Man generally busting the joint up. I do love you for trying though. You rock my world,H, but you can still kiss my ass.
Mary, he's giving you a run for your money. Hubby can flat out write! Your kids have inherited a serious snarky gene. Love it!
Oh no you didn't!!! Hijacking Mary's blog?
I have to admit, at first I was skeptical you were sitting in as a guest writer. I didn't think anyone could match Mary and her hilarious adventures as a suburban parent.
Clearly I was way off base in doubting you. All I have to say is bravo, "hubby". You are a fantastic writer and I found myself equally amused with your entry as with Mary's.
Do I smell a dueling blog from Hubby's perspective?
THAT is funny as hell! That one needs to be sent to Reader's Digest.
Hey Mary! I will admit to not having checked your blog in awhile, but something called to me tonight and I took a peek. Let me tell you, that was the best laugh I've had in a while. I have told you before what a gifted writer I thought you were but I now have to give the hubby props too! I nearly cried laughing so hard picturing the whole squirrel ordeal! And I have to admit, I've driven by your house and seen your van door open which made the story even funnier for me. Anyway...happy birthday LM and glad to hear you had a good summer. Way to go #1 for losing the first tooth! Have a great school year! Hope to see you around.
Post a Comment