Open Letter to the Ad Execs at IHOP

Dear Sirs or Madams,

I want to congratulate you on a job well done with your "National Pancake Day" campaign. While watching some early morning news today, I happened upon one of your TV spots and between my love of celebrating holidays (even though I'm sure I was witnessing the creation of a fake one), the fact that Hubby would be out at a work function tonight, and my kids love of pancakes I was sucked in.

When the kids woke up we decided to have a "mixed up" day and have dinner foods for breakfast (broccoli, pasta with cheese) and breakfast foods for dinner. Our whole day revolved around the fun we'd have at dinner and I piled all the kids in the van at five thirty on our way to our local franchise.

Said franchise is on the opposite side of a local highway and we pass it first before we turn around and crossover. This is when I first realized the breadth and scope of your media blitz. The parking lot was packed to capacity and the line wrapped around the building. Christ on a bike, people must really love free pancakes! Which probably explains why the line consisted of a rather unsavory collection of characters. And thus the fun really began for me as there was no possible way in hell I was waiting in line for an hour behind New Jersey's classiest citizens as they smoked Parliments and screamed at their kids to get out of the road while texting their girlfriends with acrylic tipped fingers, in the twenty degree weather with my three children, all of whom were clamoring at this point for refined carbs drowned in high-fructose, imitation maple syrup. This was not going to be a prime example of your slogan "Come hungy, leave happy!" It was more "Come hungry, leave with van full of crying offspring!"

After breaking the news that we would not be going to "the pancake restaurant", and weathering the storm of tears that resulted and trying my best to rebutt the argument, "It won't be Pancake Day at a regular restaurant!", I brokered deals like Ban Ki-moon in the General Assembly. We could go to the diner and have fries and pancakes! We could have ice cream for dessert!, Mommy and Daddy would drag themselves out at the crack of dawn instead of lounging around the house dealing with their weekly wine-hangover/sleep deprivation combo and take everyone to the pancake restaurant on Sunday morning!

In the end, peace was restored, pancakes were eaten, syrup was gotten in many crevices and thanks to a kind old man at our local greasy spoon who we overhead tell the waitress that, traditionally, pancakes are eaten the night before lent begins, we realized Pancake Day (technically Mardi Gras, I suppose) is a holiday that can be celebrated anywhere. But don't worry, we won't tell anyone - as long as you never switch to real maple syrup.

Sincerely,
Mean Mommy