The Facts of Life

This Friday I would like to pay homage to five women who have had a great impact on my life. They were role models, good friends and eventually...cancelled. The women of which I speak? The five fabulous ladies of The Facts of Life. They rocked my world and now they make up my Friday 5. Notice there's no top, because, seriously, how do you choose?

Friday 5 - The Women of The Facts of Life

1. Age before beauty, let's begin with Mrs. G. Not that Mrs. Edna Garrett was not beautiful with her obviously bottle-dyed, red, bouffant hair-do - seriously, that thing was day-glow and bulletproof. In case you didn't receive a copy of her resume, Mrs. Garrett was formerly employed as the housekeeper of a Mr. Phillip Drummond of New York City where she performed the usual household duties including engaging in comedic banter with Drummond's two adopted, black sons and biological daughter Kimberly. Her experiences on Park Avenue led her to believe she was capable of handling larger numbers of wealthy progeny at the all-girls Eastland boarding school and she was given a spin-off. With her shrill voice and gentle eyes she guided these girls through the maze of adolescence before they would face the real world of whatever Ivy League college their parents bought their way into.

2. Natalie Green. Oh, Natalie. Always the comedienne. During one episode you confessed you were funny to distract from your weight. While we laughed at your jokes about childhood obesity, we were crying inside, Nat. Sadly, you were before your time as TV censors today would never allow any actual jokes about your weight, but they'd cast a girl thirty pounds lighter and call her "the fat one". I loved your ringletted hair and middle part and I thought those kilts were very flattering. Remember her wise words, "I'd be a happier magic marker than a skinny pencil."

3. Tootie Ramsey- or Dorothy as she demanded she be called during the reunion show. Please, she'll always be Tootie to us. As you recall, Tootie wore rollerskates for most of the first season to make herself stand out as "that rollerskating girl" instead of "the only black girl in a sea of Arian youth". This braces-wearing, roller-skating, polyester-beribboned, pig-tail-sporting, Perez Hilton of her time covered up her big-mouthed ways with an insipid smile and a, "Soooory!" Maybe the tabloids should try that instead of high-priced libel attorneys.

4. Blair Warner- I had a love-hate relationship with Blair as did most girls my age. You loved her for that long, luxurious, blond hair, hot-rollered and hairsprayed within an inch of its life, and her obviously surgically enhanced ski-jump nose, but you hated her for what a stark-raving bitch she was. Oh, but she was more than a little bit of fabulous and you know I loves me some fab. She had a vanity table - a vanity table! - for Christ's sake, which was the height of glamorous to the ten year-old me. She was an incredible butt for Joe's jokes and we loved her even more on the rare occasions she was humbled and seemed just one of us.

5. Jo Polniaczek - Yes, I had to Google the name to find the spelling. Jo holds a special place in my heart because she was my sister's favorite. K even sported Jo's hairstyle for a while - awkwardly placed ponytail, two plain metal barrettes on the sides, butt-parted, feathered bangs - I am still trying to find photographic evidence. Jo was Polish, the only girl whose ancestors couldn't be traced back to the Mayflower, poor, her father worked as an auto mechanic, and obviously, a lesbian. Ignoring the blatant fox-in-a-hen house connotations, Jo's lack of gentility and love of motorcycles and coveralls made her stand out among the Eastland girls. She found her place among this gaggle of misfits though and formed a close "friendship" with Blair. The producers tried, in vain, to put the gay rumors to rest by having Jo be the first of the girls to get married at the series' end, but no amount of lace and sequins can cover that up.

"There you have the Facts of Life...", my Friday five. This show was the starting point for many a star, Molly Ringwald and George Clooney to name two. If that doesn't earn this show a place in posterity, what does? I miss these ladies so much and fully intend on buying the DVDs for my girls. Well, for myself, but let's pretend their for them, shall we?