"That Guy"

This morning while reading a women's magazine on the treadmill I came across an article describing over the top romantic gestures men have performed for the women they love. While they varied from hiring a sky-writer to writing a love song, I have to say the majority of them made me a little nauseous. Articles like this one create a fantasy for women and an unattainable standard for men that, I think, causes a lot of friction in man-woman relations. We women measure our potential mates by this standard and most guys fall terribly short. I say some and not all men because That Guy* does exist who does all of these things. We all think we want to date That Guy (TG), but trust me, I have, and it's not all it's cracked up to be.

One of the desired behaviors that TG exhibits is always being there for you. He'll come shoe shopping with you or cancel plans with his buddies if you want to hang out - understandable when you first start dating, but stalkerish after a while. Who the hell wants that? While dating TG his constant availability became a noose around my neck. He was always showing up at my school (yes, this was a high school boyfriend whose name will not be mentioned**) when we didn't have plans and it sort of creeped me out. And don't you have a life? Even as an old married lady, I enjoy when my husband is particularly busy at work because it gives me the chance to miss him.

Women also think we want an expressive guy. TG would write me poems and call me sickening pet names that I can not even type lest I puke all over my keyboard and frankly, I was embarrassed for him. I do love the occasional, random, display of affection from hubby, but it's the understated quality of his expressions that I like. His pet names for me are the generic "Hon" and "Babe", which when spoken in the kitchen don't make me vomit on the child I'm holding. And his missives are limited to Valentine and anniversary cards with a random, cute e-mail here and there.

Flowers - yeah, yeah, we all say we want flowers all the time, but how special would that gesture be if it was a weekly occurrence? TG would regularly bring me a single red rose. OK, I just threw up in my mouth a little. Why do guys think that's the symbol of romance? Yeah, when you're TWELVE! Any time I've ever received one I've felt like I was looking at a poster in a cheap nail salon minus the disembodied hand with scary, long acrylic tips. Anyway, these botanical expressions of his affection became so common place I stopped gushing and started responding along the lines of, "Um, great. Thanks." when I received them. While hubby is to the other extreme (ahem, hint there) I do appreciate it more when he randomly gets me flowers. And he knows no damn, red roses.

The biggest pet peeve I have with That Guy is he's usually a crier. Now I appreciate appropriate amounts of manly crying at appropriate times. My husband cried when our kids were born and his grandfather died, I'll even say I enjoy that he cries when watching My Dog Skip, but what I can not stand is the guy who cries whenever you have a fight or every time he gets too emotional. You want a guy who's in touch with his feelings, not giving them a Swedish massage every day. When my TG boyfriend would cry I wanted to scream, "Jesus! Grow a pair!"

So ladies, take it from me, you don't want to date or, God forbid, marry That Guy. While he might be just what you need after a breakup That Guy will quickly become your shadow showing up at your door at seven in the morning telling you how beautiful you look with sleep in your eyes. What we all want and need is a regular guy who regularly tells us he loves us and occasionally makes the grand gesture. TG had made so many the only thing he had left to do was give me a kidney. Which I would have refused if it meant spending a lifetime being called "Angel" There! I typed it! GAK!

*This is a phrase my husband and I use all the time when we can't quite describe the behavior of a certain person. For example, "So he was in front of me in line, screaming on his cell phone like he's a big shot, you know, That Guy." It can be used in all scenarios and situations because there's always That Guy somewhere.

* KK, Alex, Jen V., Jen W. and Rebecca all know who I am talking about. Speech impediment, bad kisser from Kennedy who I took to prom.