Your honor...

We had some friends and their kids over for dinner this weekend, which is the cheapest way to have a fun Saturday night in the suburbs. The guests arrive at five, the kids are given chicken fingers and fries, while the adults have cocktails and snacks, after the children have eaten, a movie put on in the basement playroom, the door is shut, and the fours of us enjoy our meal, ignoring the wild shrieking coming through the floor. It's nice when you have company who also have kids, since you don't have to rake all of your toys into various closets like you do for childless guests, trying to pretend the decor in your home doesn't include a heavy dose of Fisher Price neon plastic.

Upon their arrival though, I was once again made aware of the lack of protocol surrounding the manner in which children address adults not in their immediate family. While everyone was taking of coats, I asked #1, "You remember Mr. and Mr.s So-and-so, don't you?" to which they pffft-ed and said, "Please! Call us (insert first names here)!" So I had no choice but to honor their wishes and have the kids call them by their first names.

So at this point you're probably saying to yourself, "Jesus, what's the big deal?", but in my opinion, the lack of respect many children show for adults, in general, is fueled by the casual way we deal with them. Adults are too interested in being friends with kids these days. I think healthy boundaries, enforced by an honorific, can help clearly delineate, who, exactly, is in charge.

During my student teaching in Manhattan, I taught in a very liberal public school in the West Village, where the teachers were called by their first names and the children selected their own areas of study through which to learn basic skills. Many of the kids did very well in this environment, but being a charter school, kids had to apply and this reduced the number of miscreants who would have sassed back when "Jennifer" asked him or her to please be quiet. I wonder how this policy would have fared if put in to place among the general population of New York City. A teacher has studied hard to be in the classroom, and therefore, deserves some respect, and that, to me, is what it is all about.

How you address someone communicates what you think about him or her. Think about a store clerk saying, "Hey, lady?" versus "Excuse me ma'am?" I feel the same way about doctors and other people in positions of authority. You have worked hard to get where you are so I will use the title you have earned when speaking to you, unless instructed otherwise. I know there is a big movement among some people as patients in the medical system to call their doctors by their first names to establish a peer relationship. Do you really want your peer stitching up your kids finger? I certainly call my dreamy OB/GYN by his title (otherwise, I'd feel like a one night stand with his hands all up in my business).

But getting back to the kids, I think it's important to establish early a healthy respect for adults in their lives. Of course, I don't want them to blindly follow authority, and to question it if they think an adult is doing something not OK, but I want them to do so respectfully. When your three, it's hard to understand why you need to listen to Joe, when the only apparent difference between him and the kid you're playing with is their height. Our generation, and the one that came before us, is so worried about again or seeming uncool, we shy away from anything that sounds remotely aged. I myself am guilty of this, signing texts to my babysitters "Mary", instead of "Mrs. H".

I do understand that it can be odd, when you have close adult friends who are not technically aunts or uncles to your children, and whom calling Mr. or Mrs. seems oddly formal. So H and I have begun using the Southern tradition of Miss and Mister paired with first names. So, for example, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, become Miss Sally and Mister John. It solves the uncool, "Mrs. Smith is my father" problem, but also draws the line of respect.

I know we all want to be young forever, and using titles makes us feel like our parents, but really, why is that so wrong? With age comes experience and knowledge, and why shouldn't you be respected for that? It also avoids having to use phrases like, "Because I'm the grown-up, that's why!"