Left to his own devices...

So now that the Oscars are over, the theaters are completely devoid of anything even remotely watchable (not that H and I ever have time to go to the movies, and of all the Oscar nominated films we had seen one – Toy Story 3). Although, I am tempted by yet another Big Momma movie, and the Justin Bieber biopic. Speaking of crap movies, have you seen the trailer for Hall Pass? It gives me an eye twitch every time I do.

I really am so very tired of movies and television shows where the main conflict/source of comedy is a married man chafing under the yoke of his controlling wife. Apparently, in Hall Pass, this particular group of men are given a week off from marriage by their wives. What ensues, as I can best tell from the trailer, is gluttony at local chain restaurants, drunken jackassery, and sad attempts at sleeping with younger women. The question I have begun to ask myself is, why are men not offended by this portrayal of married male behavior?

These movies promote the idea that men are somehow “tamed” by women, and their behaviors drastically changed by no choice of their own. We are to believe that it is only the Puritanical influence of a woman that keeps men from existing in a feral state, and once liberated, every man’s instincts are to overeat, over-imbibe, watch sports non-stop, and try to sleep with anything with a pulse. Basically, that if left to their own devices, men would behave in a such a way as to lead to their own destruction. How does that not piss them off?

If left alone for a week, I am quite sure H would eat way too much bacon, drink a lot of beer and use the treadmill for hanging strips of homemade beef jerky. He would watch a lot of hockey, The Godfather trilogy, Jaws 1 and 2 and Star Wars Episodes IV,V and VI on constant loop. He would not shave, I fear what the toilet would begin to smell like and how many wet towels would wind up amassed on the bathroom floor before the mildew set in. *

And then he would get tired of it.

I’m sure after a week of living like he was a college freshman, H would realize eating that much saturated fat was not such a good idea, or at least his pants wouldn’t fit, which would motivate him to eat a few veggies and the nightly drinking would affect his sleep, and he would start to feel sluggish after not having run in a while (assuming his goddamn hamstring had healed, which it still hasn’t, rendering me a single parent of four for all intents and purposes). He would even launder a few towels and maybe run a Clorox wipe around the rim of the bowl. The movies would probably stay on though. And why would all of this happen? Because he is a grown-ass man.

The men in these movies are not men. They are men-children (is that the plural of man-child?), and using them and their behavior as examples of all men is like using the Real Housewives of New Jersey as examples of all stay-at-home mothers. I make much of H’s love of meat, but it’s really more of an occasional indulgence than daily habit. When left to his own devices H, like most men I know, actually does a decent job of feeding himself foods that won’t, you know, kill him, or result in morbid obesity, and has some standards of cleanliness.**

And the whole part about trying to sleep with someone else? That isn’t an insult to men, it’s an insult to marriage. As annoyed as i am by this men-as-children theme, I am equally annoyed with movies that refer to sleeping with one person for the rest of your life like some kind of death sentence. Sleeping with one person guarantees no one is comparing your dick with the guy she met at Nobu last week, and that you don’t have to pretend you like having your ears licked when it really makes you nauseous. *** No one knows how great sex can be in a loving, healthy marriage because we're too busy getting on with our lives and taking care of our kids to dish about it at brunch.

I wonder how you all feel, my male readers. Do these movies really bother you, or not? Women actually look pretty damn good in them – smarter, healthier, fitter and cleaner than their spouses – so it’s not really my problem. If it were me though , I’d be anooyed at being portrayed as a fat, stupid and led around by my genitals, unless under the control of members of the opposite sex.

Now, let me express how I hate movies where the main character is a man in a drag and a fat suit...

*I can’t even imagine H trying to pick up women. I love him, but game? He has none.

**Although his standards usually involve testing things with his sense of smell – laundry, toilets, garbage – he does seem immune to dust and dog hair.

**Now is when H yells at me for over-sharing and my father turns to puke in his office waste basket.