Fancy Freaks

I was enjoying my Sunday thirty minutes of alone TV time last night (during which H bathes and puts all three kids to bed by himself, in a vain attempt to make up for my handling this period of hell solo every weeknight) , with my glass of wine and remote in hand, flipping between Bridezillas on WeTV and Say Yes to the Dress on TLC, when I happened upon the new Fancy Feast commercial. Of course, they would put a cat food commercial on during these particular programs, because who else but lonely spinsters with a thousand cats would be watching wedding shows on a Sunday night? Well, me. Ignoring how insulted I am by this assumption, I have to ask, have you all seen this thing? If not, please click on the link so you are prepared, but I will do my best to describe the ridiculousness.

It begins with a couple arriving for, what must be, Boyfriend's first meeting with the Girlfriend's parents, since she straightens his tie and brushes nothing off of his lapel before they ring the bell. Parents from WASP Central Casting open the door, there is handshaking and hugging, and as Girlfriend enters the house, you see her look excitedly past her parents, whom I'm sure she would plow over if they both didn't take Pilates, to get to...her cat. Now, this is no regular tabby cat, that Labrador Retriever of the feline world. This is one of those white, fluffy, flat-faced cats from the Fancy Feast can (duh), that only the truly cat-obsessed would consider owning, or buying expensive, gag-inducing, wet cat food for. The kind that requires constant grooming, and sheds globs of fine white hair, making the wearing of any slimming, black outfit impossible. This is kind of cat that sneaks into the guest room and pisses in your suitcase. Trying to hide his surprise that the girlfriend he once considered normal has just outed herself as a cat-freak, Boyfriend is left to make the lonely walk to the dining room with WASP Dad, who makes small talk along the way, to distract himself from the fact this guy in the yellow tie is most likely sleeping with his daughter. Girlfriend ecstatically makes out with her cat.

Dinner is a success, made apparent by the approving glance WASP Mom gives WASP Dad, when Girlfriend gives Boyfriend a smooch at the table - or WASP Mom is drunk and really hiding her despair at the cold, sexless marriage she is stuck in with a smile. As BF and GF say their goodbyes at the front door, WASP Mom has to pry Devil Cat from her daughter's grasp as BF gives the cat an appraising look, that is supposed to say, "Hhmm, I shall do something clever and endearing involving a cat.", but I think says, "You have a date with a garbage can full of water, my friend."

Fast forward, and we see BF at his desk in Casual Boyfriend Wear making plans, BIG PLANS. The lack of fish tank, glass coffee table and giant television makes me think BF and GF are already co-habitating, but then the rest of the commercial would not make sense. What Bf is planning is a surprise make-over of his/their spare room. Again, the contents of this room indicate they share this space or BF is on the down-low - no neon beer signs from college, no bobble-heads of sports figures, no milk crates full of Pink Floyd CD's - but let's suspend our disbelief, as we will need to at the end of this advert.

BF proceeds to move out his crates of what look like architectural plans or vintage gay porn posters and create what I guess is his approximation of Cat Shangri-La. It involves one red-orange wall, some indoor-outdoor carpeting and plywood cobbled together into a custom kitty tower, atop which he hangs some kind of blue, furry tail which looks suspiciously like it came from a boa. Like the ones he's hiding in his closet. BF gives the boa-bit a playful swat, perhaps imagining the great rendition of Cher's "Believe" he used to do while wearing it, and heads out the door.

He returns with Gf in tow, covering her eyes, ready for the big reveal. As her peepers are freed from the cover of his curiously soft hands, we see a miniature of Devil Cat has been added to the room. GF squeals in delight and picks up her new obsession to find a collar tag the reads, "Will you marry us?" GF, holding Devil Cat Jr., and BF come together for a kiss,which we never actually see happen since I'm sure the cat, sensing testosterone, starting clawing wildly at BF. Cut to the happy couple, apparently, married and having done moving of some sort, since there are labeled boxes all around them as they eat Chinese food out of cartons. BF brings the cat his, of course, crystal goblet of food, which I am betting is laced with antifreeze.

You all know I am not a cat person, and at this point I am breathless with laughter. H has joined me in the room and is equally as awestruck. So much ridiculousness captured in one minute? That is truly a feat. What man in his right mind proposes on A CAT? As H put it, a man may tolerate a cat that already exists, but introducing a new one into the house? Not going to happen. I posit that BF and GF will be having a conversation about his feeling "confused" sexually at some point in their marriage, or she will convince herself his predilection for gay porn is totally normal.

I suppose the advertisers were tired of making commercials where we watch the Devil Cat lap up that disgusting, wet food, knowing their brain-washed owners would have to wash all that brown shit out of their whiskers, since the only thing worse than a fluffy white cat, is a dirty, fluffy white cat who smells lie salmon. Personally, I would preferred to watch some cat eat it, digest it, and crap it out than watch that commercial again. But then again, maybe this advert wasn't meant for me. A married woman with three kids is not exactly their target demographic. I barely have time to wash the kids' faces after some meals. Never mind a cat's.