Live long and prosper...wrinkle free!

Behold dear readers*, the piece of beauty technology that has changed my life...The Frownie. Of course, there's a back story.

Usually, the morning trip to the mirror starts with my observing a hazy, not-too-bad-for-thirty-six image of myself and ends, after the insertion of contact lenses, with my asking a sharper, disntinctly more lined version of myself, "When the hell did this happen?" True, the harsh light of the bathroom fixture at five in the morning is not the best environment in which to assess the ravages of time. To be fair, my skin looks pretty good. But ever since the kids, one area of my face has taken a hit. I'd like to say I have developed a serious case of laugh lines, and while I do have a few of those, it is those goddamn frown lines that have tried to take up permanent residence on my dome.

Now I don't spend a the whole day with a sour look on my face. What I have learned over the past few years, is I frown in my sleep. I have never a beautiful sleeper (those women also look effortlessly good at the beach, all tan with beach-wavy hair, while I have a crazy Carrot Top mane and look like a cinnamon donut with an entire beach's worth of sand encrusted in my thick layer of sun screen). H says I more resemble a dragon with my head thrown completely back, mouth ajar for heavy breathing. But frowning? I tried not to take this as a subconscious expression of a deep dissatisfaction with my life. What I have discovered though, is that I do not shut my eyes entirely when I sleep and and I must be frowning to keep the light out (I must really look hot. Thanks for sticking around, H.). And while my beloved sleep mask* has helped, I needed more help to stop myself from looking like a Klingon** forever.

As I have discussed before, I'm not really into Botox, since it's hard for a two year old to really know you're pissed at him for stealing kibble from the dog's bowl unless you can frown. But I also don't want visual evidence of the fact that I can be a crabby bitch sometimes (OK, a lot of times). So in my online search for natural wrinkle remedies that didn't require me to sell the toddler, for whom I need said frowning ability, into white slavery in order to pay for a month's supply, I came upon the Frownie and was intrigued.

I remember reading about Frownies in Glamour magazine years ago during a summer beach vacation (along with smooth skin, my children have also robbed me of the ability to read a magazine on the beach unmolested). The "technology", if you can call it that, is simple. Frownies are a triangular piece of, what is essentially, paper bag, coated one one side with, what smells exactly like, and probably is, postage stamp adhesive. Each night before bed, I apply my various creams and let them dry. Then I dampen the back of the Frownie, and using one hand to stretch my brow skin flat, I apply the Frownie and hold it there across my now-smooth brow, until it sticks.

The first night I tried these was during H's Vegas trip. I did not want the usefulness of these things to be overshadowed by hysterical mockery. I followed the instructions, waited for the Frownie to dry, tried to frown and I'll be damned. I couldn't. When I wasn't frowning, my forehead felt perfectly normal, but any sour puss action and it felt weird. Huzzah!

Fast forward to the next morning and, I swear, I already saw improvement. Of course, after H's return, I had to endure the Vulcan hand sign a million times, but now even he admits he sees a difference. Not that he ever admitted I had frown lines, since I'm sure he'd like to keep his balls.

So check them out, dear readers, if you too have a habit of frowning too often. Or should I just say, check them out if you have kids**** and a husband.



*How much do I love you all to post, not only a make-up-free-before-bed picture of myself, but to select "large size" when doing so?
**Dragon mouth, half-open eyes and a sleep mask? You have mighty self control, H, for not ravaging me each night when you come to bed. I'd add a flannel night gown and some rollers, but then you'd never take your hands off me.
***Doing online research about Vulcan physiology brought up some terrifyingly in-...depth websites. I did not need to know about their reproduction, thanks.
****And, no, the kids have not seen me in one yet. I can not wait for the bon mots to come from #2 when she does...