Meet me at Mary's place...**

Happy Saint Patrick’s Day! Yeah, yeah. You know how I really feel about this day, but like many other things I used to disdain, such as Blues Clues and neon-colored yogurt, I have been brainwashed by my children into almost enjoying it. I write this wearing my Target celtic knot-inspired, green t-shirt, after having spent the morning applying shamrock and Irish flag temporary tattoos to the kids’ faces and helping them don their “Kiss Me I’m Irish” socks, shamrock headbands and green t-shirts. I am a sell out.

So while teenagers all across the tri-state area head into the city to drink green beer, I am contemplating an upcoming night out with my girlfriends to make up for H’s Vegas trip. I am so excited to get all dolled up, put on some sick heels and go….

Meh.

Here is where the Ladies’ Night soundtrack playing in my head (featuring much Beyonce) comes to a screeching halt. Where do we go? It is the plight of the (relatively) young suburban mother not having an establishment to frequent on those nights you just need to let loose without the Hubs. The choices that exist each have their own issues to make them not-quite-right.

We could venture in to the city, but to be honest, I know nothing of hip clubs and am sure my Banana Republic jeans and knock off purse would be laughed out of any of those places. Then there are the fun places, like my favorite eighties bar, Joshua Tree, but I am officially too old for those places now, even though I am perplexed as to why people who weren’t even born then, can truly enjoy drunkenly screaming the lyrics to "Jessie’s Girl". And with the term “cougar” so popular today, any situation where I am dressed up and around younger, single men, makes we want to scream, “I’m not looking for anyone! I’m married!!!” Even middle-of-the-road, age appropriate places have the drawback of being populated by single people in their thirties and there is a decidedly desperate vibe about their inhabitants that rubs off on you, making it awkward to make accidental eye contact with any member of the opposite sex.

So let’s say we choose to stay closer home. The choices here are equally pitiful. We can go to a brass rail, sports bar type of place, but I think the pony heels stand out a bit there and I refuse to frequent any establishment with televisions because I can drink wine and watch TV at home.* Then there are the places that are trying to be “city” type places and have a decent ambiance and the requisite $12 drinks, but any moderately cool place has already been taken over by singles in their forties and fifties, since they are the only ones with enough free time to frequent them with any regularity. H and I have stopped by to have a drink at these places, watching overweight men in leather car coats and over-Botoxed women in inappropriate skinny jeans make painful conversation. So patronizing one of these establishments with my thirty-something mom friends without husbands, would be like throwing ourselves to the lions. And this is not to say we’re all beauty queens, but having foreheads that actually move is a desirable quality I think.

So what’s a not-yet-past-her-prime mother, dying to get out and have a few drinks and dance, to do? Well, I have a solution. Someday, when I have the funds, I will open my fantasy bar. And here’s how it will be…

*This place is in the suburbs so I don't have to waste a good portion of my child-free time commuting.

*The atmosphere will be fun and hip. Animal print will be involved, but in a tasteful way.

*The entire staff is flamboyant, gay men.

*There is an over 28 age limit, since before that age, you and your friends can still reasonably go to those young bars previously discussed.

*The only men let in are gay men in relationships who love to dance. This way all possibility of romantic interest is removed, but there is still that male energy that we all need during a night out – whether we want to admit it or not. They will dance with you to "Vogue" and tell you your hair looks amazing.

*There is a cell phone check at the door. You MUST turn over your phone upon entry. There is a house phone answered by a discreet attendant who will come find you if your husband calls with a question or situation he deems worthy of interrupting your evening. “Where are the Band-aids?” does not qualify.

*Since so many mothers struggle to find the right outfit for a night out, there will be a fashion station at the door, to help anyone who is clueless enough to go out in mom jeans.

*For a small fee you can rent accessories and have a hair and make up artist touch up your look if you didn’t have time to finish your hair since you had to come downstairs eight times to help your husband make the kids’ dinner before you left.

*The only kind of music played is cheesy, dance music.

*Discussing your children will result in immediate ejection from the bar.

*There is a cupcake and French fry bar.

*The bathroom has twenty toilets. The seats are never wet and there is copious toilet paper.

*Car service home is included in the cover charge.

So until I win the lottery and can open this place, I will struggle to find an appropriate location for my next night out. Maybe a gay bar is the answer, but if my last trip to Boston was any indication, even those bars can have their issues. No matter what I do, I will probably wind up feeling too old or too young, which I will deal with by getting too drunk.

*True, Joshua Tree is rife with TV’s but they are playing bad 80’s videos, and thus, add to the experience.
** I am open to name suggestions.