Dan Fogelberg - Slayer of Buzzes

You may not realize it, but you know who Dan Fogelberg* is.  He's the balladeer responsible for the Ambien of Christmas songs "Same Auld Lang Syne" and not the good one you make out with your husband to on New Year's Eve after too much Veuve (OK, maybe that's just me), but the craptastic 1980's ode to lost love and uncomfortable ex run-ins.

Just when you're getting your groove on to the The Ronettes "Sleigh Ride", like a record scratch the opening bars of this atrocity begin and any yuletide cheer you may have been feeling is sucked right out of you as you hear the tinny piano and the opening line "Met my old lover at the grocery store..."  Eeew.  Please, don't ever use that word again.  You are neither old nor European so find another term.

The scenario described in the song only gets worse, and more depressing, from there.  "I stole behind her in frozen foods.."  One, do you really think any hit song includes the term "frozen foods" and, two, stalker much?  How 'bout walking right up to her and saying hello?  Or are you afraid the statute of limitations hasn't expired on that restraining order?

Apparently, Fogelberg is not a felon and the two of them decide they need to catch up on old times and have a drink.  Not that her frozen foods are going to spoil or anything.  Finding no open watering holes (are they in Utah?) they opt for some brews in her car.  Here's where it gets ugly.  The old flame basically admits she's in a loveless gold-digger situation.  And apparently said meal-ticket doesn't mind when she says she's going out for some frozen peas and doesn't come back for three hours.  Curious, why F-berg picked "architect" as the husband's profession.  There are plenty three-syllable professions that earn big cash and have a bit more glamour, but I suppose that's the point.  To make Dan the better man, the ball and chain has to be boring and not too impressive, and therefore, deserving of our disdain.  "Said she married her a stockbroker...a brain surgeon...a rap singer", too competitive with the Danny's ego.

So after some lame attempts to seduce the love-starved booty of his youth, Fogelberg resorts to some false modesty concerning his rock star status, as he croons with smug superiority "The audience is heavenly, but the traveling is hell".   Shut up, Dan, I don't see any paparazzi so you musn't be that famous.

"The beers were empty and our tongues grew tired."  Again, eeew.  No, Dan, she's quiet because she is now vividly recalling all the reasons she broke up with your sorry ass and trying to make up a reasonable-sounding  excuse to tell her sweet lovable Mike Brady-type guy when she gets home with a melted pint of Chunky Monkey and some ruined Hot Pockets.  So she kicks his ass out of the car and she screeches away back to her now much appreciated life.

And then the closing line "The snow turned into raaaaiiiin."  Does someone have a gun so I can kill myself?  Pills?  A noose?  And now I'm supposed to listen to Burl Ives sing "Holly Jolly Christmas"?  Thanks a lot, jackass.

So, seriously, dj's everywhere.  Retire this piece of crap.  It rivals George Michael's "Last Christmas" in it's inappropriate-subject-matter-for-a-holiday-song theme.  Happiness, not tracking down ex's on Facebook, as this song would have us all do, is what the season's all about.  

*In my research I found that Mr. Fogelberg has passed away, so yes, I am the devil, but yes, the song still sucks.