The gift of time.

The email from the teacher read, "If you have time, could we please meet this Friday?  I have a few things I'd like to discuss."

And I knew in my bones exactly what this meeting would be about - having Little Man repeat kindergarten.  How did I know?  I knew because the universe has been sending my subtle messages about my little guy and I just haven't really wanted to listen.  Although I am loathe to quote her, Oprah says, "The universe speaks to us, first in whispers.  Then it get louder and louder and louder."  The universe wasn't quite shouting at me yet, but it wanted to have a meeting.

A while ago, I wrote about LM and his penchant for hugging.  Well, in addition to that, he also cries occasionally when I drop him off at school.  He is not ready to sleep without a Pull-up yet, and while other boys in his class are throwing spirals on the playground after school, he can barely run in a straight line.  Essentially, LM is immature for his five years.  With a late August birthday, one would think I would have held him back and not had him start kindergarten, as is the almost- knee-jerk reaction of parents, especially of boys, who are born in the summer.  But come registration time last spring, the behaviors above didn't seem all that immature when he was four, and then he added in an extra twist by becoming an advanced reader. So I made the decision, rather than have an academically bored child, I would send him to school, knowing he would have some catching up to do in other areas.  It would happen.  Eventually.

But it didn't.

Little Man has made friends in school, some of them quite close, but the other, more mature, boys have no time for him.  He can't keep up on the playground, and he doesn't get some of the social nuances that come with time.  If I am honest with myself, and it is very painful to be, I have spent the last few months exasperated with my child.  I cringe over how many times I said in my own head,  "Why is he acting like such a baby???".  I have wanted my child to be other than what he is to fit in and I am ashamed of that - even if it was because I wanted his life to be easy.  Aren't we all supposed to love our children exactly the way they are?  What kind of mother am I?  I'm the kind of mother who wants to go open a vein the bathroom when she tries to teach her son to defend himself from a older, playground bully and he asks, not having yet learned anything about that ways of the world, "Why would he hit me if he's my friend?"  I thought if he would only grow up a little faster, all of these problems would sort themselves out.

Grow up faster?  Isn't that exactly the opposite of the way I have been raising my children?  Why was I pushing him ahead?  Yes, it will be socially awkward for a while when his friends move up without him, but better a few difficult months than a lifetime of struggle.  If I kept on this trajectory, he might always be the slowest or the last in everything.  Sure, he might fit in just fine academically, but in all other areas, he might always struggle and that's not a fun way to go through life.  So after meeting with the teacher, who said out loud every single one of my fears about LM's development, I decided to give myself and LM the gift of time (yes, I was right about the purpose of the meeting, as I am about where #2 has left her stuffed whale and whether or not #1 has really brushed her hair or just scraped it back into a knotty ponytail).  It is such an immense weight off my shoulders, knowing he will have another full year to grow and develop.  As for his reading, the teacher and I will put together a plan for him to continue to be challenged next year, so I'm not worried.  I also know a few boys in LM's class now who are repeating, and they are such strong, confident kids, who the others look up to, I am reassured I am making the right decision.  I think it would be kind of awesome next year if LM winds up setting an example of kindness and empathy for the younger boys.

It is so, so hard to admit when you have made a mistake as a parent - and this one could have been a doozy.  Sometimes, expectations and reality are never going to match up and you have to adjust accordingly.  Thankfully, the universe got the message across before it was too late and before my little guy ever had the chance to feel his mother didn't appreciate the sweet, gentle soul he is.  I could never, ever forgive myself for that.

See your children for who they are, not what you want them to be.  The universe gave them to you that way for a reason.