Let's hug it out.

"Can I have a kiss?"

"Let's snuggle."

"Hug me tighter!"

I wish those were H's words, dear readers, but these are direct quotes from my five year-old son.  My friends told me, before I had Little Man, that boys were more physically affectionate, but I was not prepared for this level of intensity.  He loves nothing more than to snuggle in my lap, put one hand on either side of my face, and stare into my eyes with his nose pressed firmly against mine.  I think he would crawl back in if I would let him.

Little Man's love of physical contact has never been limited, by any means, to his family.  As a toddler, when he made the usually terror-inducing mistake of coming up and hugging the wrong woman's leg at the park, he simply looked up at his new friend and smiled while continuing to hold firmly to her limb.  In preschool, any injury, physical or emotional, his classmates suffered, LM tried to cure with a warm embrace.  He was, and is, in love with the world at large, and this has served him well.

Until now.

Since the start of the rough world of kindergarten, LM's caring ways have begun to be rebuffed.  Where, just a year ago, a hug at the end of the playdate was a mutual affair, now, more often than not, it is met with arms stiffly held at the recipient's sides, or worse, an uncomfortable pulling away.  In a matter of months we went from, "Hugging?  OK, cool.", to "WTF, man?", and Little Man is not socially aware enough to notice the change.  So I am the one left to stand there cringing inside asI see my son put himself out there to be rejected and I want to die every single time.

I think there are several factors at play.  First, he is in class with a whole new group of kids, having gone to preschool in a different town.   Much like that guy in college who got harmlessly grabby after a few beers, at his old school, everyone knew LM at "The Hugger", and they just accepted it as part of his package.  Now, plopped into a new social scene, his new classmates, aren't used to my affectionate guy.  Second, there are a ton of boys in his class who are either a full year older, having been held back in preschool to mature, and boys who are the youngest of many male siblings.  Both of these groups have been exposed to the more masculine world of older boys, even if only by a year, so LM's behavior seems babyish and, therefore, repellant.

I have to confess, in an effort to smooth his way socially, I have been trying to curb the hugging by replacing it with another behavior.  "HIGH FIVE GOODBYE!", I cheerfully shout when our playdates are coming to an end.  Instead of dropping the hug, LM does both, now creating a whole goodbye procedure.  Rats.

There just seems to be such a narrow band of acceptable social behavior for boys, and I was not prepared for it.  Now this is where I get comments like "Let him be himself!", "He shouldn't change for the world around him!", both of which are true statements.  But, DAMN, there is nothing harder than watching other kids laugh at your kid for something harmless and your instinct as a parent is to make it stop. I absolutely refuse to make LM feel badly about his predilection for physical connection, even though I do worry about what it will mean for him socially.  In fact, my desire to change his behavior is  to protect him from shame.  The last thing I want is for some kid to call him "queer" on the playground.  I would like to channel his loving nature, rather than have it shattered.   I just want him to still be who he is without being ridiculed.

At some point, I'm sure he will change.  And I'm hoping that change is gradual and gentle.  My next plan of action is to start talking about personal space.  Pointing out that not all people like to be touched in that way and perhaps we should reserve our closest embraces for our dear friends and family.  I will use his father, uncles and grandfather as a prime example.  They all hug hello and my father in-law kisses all his grown sons.  They are the perfect balance of masculine affection.  His youngest uncle, much like LM, is a notorious hugger.  My dream is for LM to wind up just like him.

Like a normal version of Tommy Boy. "Brothers don't shake hands, brothers hug!"