Excuse any spelling errors, dear readers, as I can barely see the keyboard for all the dust in my eyes. What dust do you ask? The dust from ripping the kitchen out of a one hundred year-old house...or from my sanity crumbling to bits.
This kitchen project has been a long-dreamed-of project for H and me. He, being the chef he is, because he will finally get the stove he has always wanted. Me, being the obsessive compulsive I am, because I will get the pristine white sink and immaculate counters I have always wanted. To each his own. Unlike other projects that have pushed me to the brink of insanity, such as replacing both bathrooms simultaneously last winter, we decided to use a designer. We were tired of wandering around Home Depot pointing things out to each other, asking "I don't know. What do you think?" She was, and is, a God-send, vastly improving our experience this time, but some things related to a construction project, no matter how you plan, will never change.
- Working with a contractor/plumber/electrician is like working with an entire crew of my husband. I get little to no advanced notice of when important information or materials are needed, and once they are, they are needed yesterday. Just like when H has forgotten all of his suits need to be brought to and picked up from the dry cleaner before his evening flight to Brazil, the contractor informed me he'd be needing the ceiling tile I have yet to purchase by Friday. There go all my plans for the day and Little Man spends his morning in an orange cart at Home Depot.
- Nobody under the age of fifty at the Home Depot knows anything.
- Having good taste means the item you need most desperately will be the one on backorder. Take for example, these light fixtures:
This one is available tomorrow:
This one will take 6 - 8 weeks:
- Most home improvement professionals are either blind to or do not give a shit about damage inflicted to surfaces or materials not included in their job. Sure, sure, my guy throws down a few old bedspreads from the 1970s as a nod to not scratching my floors. His concern about floor covering vanishes apparently, when I leave a small square of my new carpet uncovered and he decides to put the old cabinet hardware, coated in black dust, right in the middle of it. And speaking of dust, if you think the half-assed piece of plastic they hang in the doorway to hold back the clouds of lead paint powder created when they demolish your ancient walls, get ready for your kids to lose some IQ points. If you don't want to clean it or repair it, cover it or pack it.
- Any of these guys can be intimidated by a lot of eye contact from a woman. I'm not sure if it's they usually work with men, but give them too much of a direct gaze and they crumple like a house of cards. B calls it The Stare of Quality. You can't get that permit? Really? Stare for three beats and it's a whole new story. All of this is made even more effective if I'm wearing my Yankee cap and break out my Bronx accent.
- Once you get the workers to trust you, they will start explaining things to you. It will sound like Charlie Brown's teacher talking. Nod knowingly, then run out of the room and Google it all.
- Do not let any home improvement professional you have given money to leave without giving you their cell number. Along with mothers, contractors, plumbers and electricians love texting because they can get the maximum amount of information with minimal interaction.
- Abandon all hope of a normal life. Whether you are showering at the gym or washing your dishes in the bathtub, life as you know it is over for a while. And like pregnancy, there is no exact date when the madness will end, only a vague timeframe. Embrace the chaos. Enjoy not having to clean, - it's pointless anyway - get takeout, wear your yoga pants.
Just remember to cover your wine glass.
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