The BarcaSwinger

Here it is parents! The BarcaSwinger*!

Gone are the days of traditional swings with all their required leg-pumping and pesky exercise. Your child can now recline in comfort as he swings. Yes, our swing is slightly heavier than the average model, and yes, you will need to hurl your body against it to get it moving, but think of all the calories you'll burn heaving a combined fifty pounds of toddler and contoured plastic! In fact, knowing how strong the American woman is, we have included in our design a five-point harness (not shown in proper usage by the negligent mother of this poor soul), to prevent your child's unexpected ejection. It also prevents accidental tumbles should your child become so comfortable staring off into space, instead of running around using his legs as God intended while playing, and nod off.

Traditional playsets are dangerous, parents, with slick slides and those lawsuit-waiting-to-happen, shaky bridges that send smaller children flying with the exuberant crossing of one ten year-old. Why not buy yourself some peace of mind and cradle your child in a vessel of synthetic safety?

Available sizes: L, X wide and XX wide
Options include: iPod speakers, TV/DVD player/computer combo with complimentary Wifi, cell phone holder with voice-command, and extra large beverage holder
$500.00

*Yes, I am aware this a handi-capped accessible swing, which is great, but there are FIVE of them at our park that all the children fight to use, rather than exhaust themselves on the regular swings. Unless the Special Olympics is planning an event nearby, couldn't we make do with two? The only justification I can see is if they made them adult-sized and children were required to push their mothers.