As it is Wednesday, I am sitting in the enforced prison that is gymnastics. I have no idea why this is the one extra-curricular where all the moms stay for the duration of the lesson, perched in the elevated observation area, intently watching their budding Nadia Comenices. I have been given the hairy eyeball, on more than one occasion, for tapping away on the laptop, having fully accepted the fact that, at five years old, #2 is taller than most professional gymnasts and if I had any serious hope for her, I’d have been at this gym three years ago, so I'm not missing any Olympic moments here. So at least if I have to sit here, and try to ignore the three year old who is currently peering over my shoulder, breathing swine flu down my neck, as her mother debates the benefits of Pilates versus Zumba on her cell phone, you guys will benefit.
On the way to tumbling jail today, some morning show was discussing an elderly couple in Pennsylvania who have been married for eighty years. The dj’s were astounded at the longevity of this pairing and asked the couple to give tips for staying together, happily, for so long. After the usual, “respect each other”, “laugh a lot” stuff we’ve all heard before, the wife chimes in with, “Fight. Fight every day.” I snarfed my coffee and immediately this woman became my hero.
She went on to explain that couples should not let little things back up, causing big, explosive, laundry-list-of-things-that-pissed-me-off-since-I-married-you fights. Instead, she advised, have it out right away and clear the air. I have to say I heartily agree. I find that if I send H a quick email - after he has left shaving cream all over the sink again, or piles of his work clothes around the bedroom for the past four days, making it look like he has melted, several times, like the Wicked Witch of the West - along the lines of, “Listen jerkoff, I’m not the maid. Pick up your shit”, I feel my blood pressure drop ten points right after I click send.
On the opposite side of the spectrum, I recently read an interview with Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love, who has a new book out about her unexpected second marriage. She describes how peaceful this union is compared to her first, as she and her hubs are both confrontation-averse. She goes on to say, “The Buddha taught that most problems – if only you give them enough time and space – will eventually wear themselves out.” I guess this theory has some validity, but frankly, I’d rather hit you in the head with a frying pan verbally and be done with it. Plus, I have tested how long it would take H to notice all his empty shampoo bottles in the shower, and only got up to three before I was too embarrassed to leave them there, again, when the cleaning lady came, and threw them out.
This “tackle it now” philosophy pretty much guarantees my children see H and I bicker about minor things on a regular basis. If we had to run into another room every time we called each other out on something, we’d have to hire a nanny. Of course, if we ever have a serious issue to discuss, we shelve it and take it up after bedtime, but I think it’s healthy for my kids to see one of us be unhappy with the behavior of the other, express our displeasure, and have the other party respond in a constructive way. I generally leave the “jerkoff” and “shit” out of those discussions. I think having them experience mature conflict resolution will benefit them in the future. And, no, none of them were in the room for the Great Forgotten Dry Cleaning/Syrup Bottle Throwing Incident of ’07.
I’m sure there are plenty of people in our lives who witness how H and I interact and think I’m a stark-raving bitch at times (I’m looking at you, Pop), but it works for us. In the end I think it comes down to your comfort level with conflict and fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your perspective), I’m really comfortable with it. If I didn’t feel like I could tell H how annoyed leaving yesterday’s fermenting lunch container moldering in the kitchen sink instead of putting it in the dishwasher makes me, then I wouldn’t feel like I could also tell him on a regular basis that he is the best thing that ever happened to me. To quote my sister, “Irish women. They love hard and they hate hard. Gotta love ‘em.”
2 comments:
Amen to your post today! I just forwarded it onto my hubby.
As as for dear Elizabeth Gilbert.....sometimes I want to remind her that her philosphies on love, marriage, and "finding herself" leave out a critical piece to the family unit; children!
“The Buddha taught that most problems – if only you give them enough time and space – will eventually wear themselves out.”
The problem with this is that in most relationships you never have the kind of "time" or "space" that one would require to totally heal from wounds independently. And if you took that time and space, you would be distanced from your SO.
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