How to Recover from Strep Throat - A mother's guide

Step 1: Wake up with a throat full of razor blades Sunday morning. Decide this is not just a regular sore throat and go to local urgent care, since as H puts it “This place just doesn’t run without you.” Read: “You can not get sick.”

Step 2: Get to clinic fifteen minutes before it opens and see two people already lined up by the front door. Join them in suffering miserably in the cold until the nurse opens the door, then masterfully control yourself as a woman taps you on the shoulder and asks, “Excuse me. Are you in a hurry? Because I was actually here before you, but I was in my car.” Do not punch her in the face, but croak, “Yeah, I am. Sorry.” Instead of, “You should’ve gotten your lazy ass out here in the cold like the rest of us, lady.” After all of this, be told you have strep.

Step 3: Go home and after recalling the sore throats the kids had last week, and speaking to the pediatrician, determine the kids already had strep and let them go to their cousin’s house for the day with H so you can get some damn rest.

Step 4: Wake up Monday morning feeling worse, if that’s possible.

Step 5: Send girls to school, despite the fact that Little Man has a weird rash on his face. Send Little Man to saintly mother in-law’s house after school so you can rest. Sleep for four hours.

Step 6: Upon the girl’s return from school, palpate #1’s markedly enlarged lymph nodes as she tells you her neck hurts.

Step 7: Ignoring throat of fire, throw jacket over clothes you have been sleeping in for two days and a hat. Put girls in car and drag to urgent care as goddamn pediatrician is already closed.

Step 8: In your beauteous state, run into friend’s husband. Surreptitiously scrape toothpaste off the corners of your mouth and notice your shirt is on inside out. Get immediate positive strep tests for both girls for your efforts.

Step 9: Run home, grab Little Man, who mother in-law has driven home and return to urgent care to receive his positive strep results.

Step 10: Call H, tell him to go immediately to urgent care from train station. and while he's at it he can call his brother and let him know the pox brought upon his house during Sunday's visit.

Step 11: Get text with H's positive results.

Step 12: Return to couch, as H puts kids to bed, thanking God your husband is symptom-free, but required to stay home, until he is on antibiotics for 24 hours, and can tend to your similarly symptom-free-going-to-tear-the-house-apart children, so you can rest.

Step 13: Be woken up by shivering H in the middle of the night, as he has started running a high fever. Start asking God what you did to offend him.

Step 14: Upon waking Tuesday, notice the weird rash on Little Man’s face has gotten worse. Do the worst thing possible and Google “strep and rash” and get results for scarlet fever. Remember somebody from Little House on the Prairie going blind from this (Mary?) and have panic attack.

Step 15: Drive immediately to pediatrician, leaving husband semi-conscious with instructions to keep older children alive until your return.

Step 16: Be told the rash is not scarlet fever and be given ointment. Again, thank God. Who is seriously starting to question your sincerity.

Step 17: Realize during all of this madness your throat has finally stopped hurting.

Step 18: Return to active duty as you watch H sleep on the couch for the next 12 hours straight.