Dear Presidents of A&P, Stop N Shop, Shoprite, etc.-

I am writing with some suggestions that would drastically improve the experience of the key demographic at your stores. Apparently, you all have not done your research, so let me explain who your key demographic is – mothers and, specifically, mothers with children. No, it’s not the single guys who buy extra large bags of chips and Chunky soup. It’s not the old ladies who come to buy a third of a pound of low sodium ham at the deli and cat food. It’s women with households to feed, who are usually dragging several minor inhabitants of said household with them, who butter your bread, so listen up.

1. Carts. I loudly applaud your efforts to employ the mentally handicapped, and I do not think it is they who are deciding the ways the carts should be arranged. However, it is your store managers who must be semi-retarded if they think it’s a good idea for Billy the cart guy to put the plastic-car-cart-combo, that already weighs about three hundred pounds, all the way at the end of the entrance, where there is no way to get the cart around all the other carts without pushing the whole thing off the curb, sending it crashing over the edge.

Also, when the carts with the infant seats (which I know only mothers of really fat babies use these petri dishes since our kids outgrow the infant carrier so early, but lack the strength to hold up all that girth and can't sit in the regular cart seat) are stacked ten deep behind regular carts, and I’m holding my baby while trying to free one and simultaneously stop my three year old from running into traffic? I want to hunt you down and kill you.

2. The produce department. Large pyramids of colorful spheres + my two year old son who refuses to ride in the cart any longer = disaster. Might I recommend some clear plastic shields?

3. The deli counter. I know you need a place to put the old people you have to hire due to anit-agism policies, but really? In the busiest part of the store? I know Gramps can’t be unloading gallons of milk, but can’t he go make some of those fruit pyramids we talked about? I can slice meat faster with a dull pair of baby nail clippers.

4. The aisle organization in general – Why is macaroni and cheese in the “prepared foods section” and why is tuna fish in the pasta aisle? I know everything has to go somewhere, but damn, can we use the most obvious category please? Because having to turn that damn car-cart around is going to cause a jack-knife situation in aisle seven.

5. Checkout. First of all, I demand all candy, mints and gum be placed at a height no lower then four feet. It’s not that my children beg to have these things, but if you want your merchandise covered with the cumulative germs of over one hundred school children while they run their fingers over every package, then so be it. And why aren’t I stopping them? Well, you’re the dumb-asses who put it in front of their little low-impulse-control faces so why should I suffer?

Second, I demand there be a “No Old People or Check Writers Lane”. I understand some people have not recognized the beauty of the debit card transaction, and still want to spend a perfectly good Sunday balancing their checkbooks, but for those of us who have entered the twenty-first century, we should not be made to wait. I also understand that a trip to the grocery store is this nice old lady’s only action for the day, so she wants to make it last. I appreciated her cooing at my kids and telling me how well behaved they are, but what I do not appreciate is her chatting with the cashier about the weather for five minutes after her order has been rung up, as she picks change out of her purse, while the well-behaved children behind her turn into tired, M&M touching hellions, having been patient for what really is a reasonable amount of time.

In summary, grocery execs, I find your lack of thought concerning who is really frequenting your store and spending the big bucks on five gallons of milk a week and the ridiculously expensive yoBaby, offensive. Please consider making the above changes. And while we’re at it, you can get rid of those damn toy and candy machines near the exit. Did you read what I said about debit cards? Where the hell am I getting three quarters?

Sincerely,
Mean Mommy