You gotta fight!...For your rights!...At kid's paaaarties!

The dust has finally settled after the tornado that was Halloween. I am still jittery from the roller coaster ride of sugar highs and lows exacerbated by the caffeine highs (and subsequent lows) needed to get through the two day extravaganza and am still finding spider rings in between the cushions and getting up coated in glitter from #2's Sleeping Beauty costume every time I sit on the couch.

Adding to the craziness already usually generated by Halloween, was its falling on a Saturday this year. Therefore it needed to be celebrated twice, obviously on the day of, but also on the Friday before at school, requiring me to pick Little Man up early from his school at 11:10 so I would be on time to pick #1 up at 11:30, in order to bring her home, where she and #2 would change into their costumes and pretend to eat, then drop them both off for the afternoon session at 12:20, where I would return once again at 2:00 in order to watch the Halloween parade.

So one would think I would have taken all of this into account and kept Saturday morning's plans mellow to prepare for the death march that is trick or treating. But no, after years of begging, my children finally got their wish and since this Halloween met all the requirements - being on a Saturday and our being in a bigger house - we had a Halloween party. We invited all the girls in each of their classes and a smattering of friends from the old town to come to a grand total of 22 guests.

Yes, it was crazy and overwhelming and ridiculously fun for my kids. While I did enjoy watching them have fun, I worked my ass off spending the two hours tapping into my teaching roots, running musical chairs, hot potato and various party games (all with H's help). And while I would say the event was a success, it brought to light some of the issues that always seem to pop up when throwing a children's party, and I have decided to set a very few simple ground rules to make your next soiree a smashing success.

Mean Mommy's Children's Party Rules

1. RSVP - Apparently, some of you are not aware what RSVP stands for since there has not been a single party I have thrown where I did not wind up calling at least one invitee to inquire whether or not they would be in attendance. It means "Respondez-Vour S'il Vous Plait". And while that does, technically, mean in French "respond, if you please" what it should really translate to is "respond because it's the right thing to do when somebody invites you into their home and/or maybe said hostess needs to know how much pizza to order and how many Hannah Montana microphones she needs to purchase and doesn't want to be left with ten extra".
I mean, come on. Nine times out of ten, you know the minute you read the invitation whether or not your child can attend. So why not call right then and be done with it and avoid losing the invitation in the pile of school fliers and junk mail that sits on all of our kitchen counters? And when the hostess makes it even easier for you by including her email so you don't have to have any awkward chit chat on the phone and you still don't reply, you will take her guilt-inducing call and subsequent accusatory tone as the verbal bitch-slap it is intended to be.

2. R-E-S-P-E-C-T - Am I wearing a ratty, mouse mascot suit? No? Then my house is not a Chuck E. Cheese. Please teach your children my furniture is not indoor play equipment* and there are no prizes for knocking anything over here.

3. Manners are a must - Let me pass on some pearls of wisdom that your children, apparently, have not learned at your masterful hands. "Please" is a word used to preface a request and "thank you" is the correct response when that request has been met. Was that so hard?

4. You get what you get... - While I despise the sing-song created by someone with too much time on their hands**, the sentiment does ring true and your children need to become familiar with this principle. Just be damn happy you're getting a cupcake, kid, and never mind about the color of the sprinkles. And if another one of your offspring ask me where are the goody bags, I can not be held responsible for my own actions.

5. Pick your kid up on time - I have just spent the last two hours killing myself entertaining your kid (or paying damn good money for someone else to do so) and, therefore, need to start drinking immediately. So save my child the shame of being known as the kid of a white wino and get your kid out of my house before he/she can bear witness.***

*One would think by second grade all children would have learned this. Tell that to the kid who broke her wrist jumping off my couch Saturday. No, I'm not kidding. It. Was. Awesome.
**Oh, alright, for the childless readers - "You get what you get and you don't get upset"
***I controlled myself on Saturday when two mothers strolled in thirty minutes late without a word of apology. Barely.