Time to walk the walk...

"My kids won't watch TV until they are at least six years old."

"My kids won't eat any packaged or processed foods - ever."

"I won't allow my daughter to play with Barbies."

And on, and on, and on.  Oh, the standards we set for ourselves early on in our parenting careers, before we have even a glimmer of a clue.  We are so high and mighty, up in our ivory tower of new parenthood, we are sure we will never make the compromises we see less committed, lazy parents around us making.

Then our baby gets older and and we have more kids, and we realize we had no idea what the hell we were talking about.  We see how strategically-used, limited TV watching makes everyone lives run a little smoother, allowing us to cook dinner and fold laundry in peace.  We realize, once in a while, a packet of Goldfish is all that stands between you and finishing your shopping trip for Girl Scout sashes.  And through no doing of our own, a daughter can pine for a doll she has literally never seen before with such feverish intensity you think she is going to have a seizure in the aisle of Target.

For those of you who stuck to you guns, I applaud you.  I'm sure your children will be accepted at the Ivy League University of their choosing.

Over my ten years of parenting, I have had to radically alter some of my preconceived notions of how I would parent, and some I haven't.  For example, there is now a video game system in my home, however, those Bratz dolls are still considered the work of Satan.  Up until this point, my children happily went along with whatever rules and regulations I put into effect, being either too young to care or too afraid to complain.  But now with #1 entering tween-hood*, she is not always willing to be a loyal subject in this well-oiled monarchy and I am having to deal with some minor unrest.

The biggest difference between my parenting decisions then and now is that they are no longer made in a vacuum.  Now a sinister force beyond my control has entered the equation.  The powerful energy of What Everyone Else is Doing.  When my eldest was tiny, if I wanted to feed her nothing but organic. sprouted grains and have her wear hemp clothing, she didn't know the difference.  Now she is old enough to notice the ways her peers are parented and voice her observations to me.  Now when faced with a difficult parenting decision, I not only have to worry about what is best for her, but also walk the tricky tightrope of her "fitting in".  Just like in her early years, I am finding walking the walk to be a lot harder than expected.  I already got my feet wet with the Great Uggs Debate, and I relented this fall and got her the trendy school bag of her choice, but now more serious decisions are needing to be made.

Take, for instance, the constant spectre of the cell phone.  #1 knows this is not even a possibility until next year when she begins middle school, and then that's only because she will be walking alone to meet me at the elementary school after dismissal.  A few of her friends have phones because both parents work, a situation I find totally understandable having been a latch-key child myself, but then a few not in that situation have some sort of application on their iTouches** that allows them to text.  So now I am hearing stories of how "So-and-so texted So-and-so about The Voice last night..."  To her credit, my eldest does not complain one iota, but it is me feeling the pressure.  Is she missing out?  Am I making her life awkward socially?

Remember all my grand-standing about not over-scheduling my kids?  #1 is intent on trying to erode my resolve club by club and class by class.  Last year she had her one dance class and, seasonally, maybe a sports practice, during the week.  After informing me that her posse each take four dance classes, I relented and allowed her to take two.  Then there was the yoga class they were all going to take, which would only be for six weeks, so I figured, why not?  Then her soccer coach threw in a weekday practice that is on the same day as the yoga class.  "Too much", I thought, ready to pull her out of yoga, until I was faced with a child tearful at the thought of missing the fun with her pals.  I agreed to keep her in the class, but the moment her school work suffered, it was done.

Who is this mad-woman allowing all of this activity?  And that's not all.  #1 also signed up to be on the Safety Patrol before and after school every day, helping little ones in and out of their cars at drop-off and pick-up.  How could I say no to her voluntarily taking on such a position of responsibility?  Then there's Early Morning Chorus.  How bad could that be?  It's before school once a week.  Next came the school clubs - Math Club, Environmental Club and Art Club**.  They're only twenty minute meetings, once a month, after school and "all my friends are doing it".  Shortly after that, a plan developed for the group to walk across the street after school to the library to do homework before four-thirty dance class twice a week and that sounded productive enough.  I turned around and my eldest is only home for about three hours a day before she goes to bed.


Well, all of this didn't happen overnight.  I labored over each and every one of these decisions.  Calculating how much time would she be spending out of the house, how much time she would have for schoolwork, how much time to spend with her siblings, what was the benefit of all of these activities, and of course... What Everyone Else is Doing.  Again, I didn't want her to miss out, as friendships are built through shared experiences, like singing "High Hopes" at seven forty-five in the morning and getting shushed by the librarian.


In those moments, when my resolve is wearing thin and I wonder if it wouldn't just be easier to give her the phone and let her do all these fun things she wants to do.  It would probably boost her social standing.  But is that what I'm trying to teach her?  Is the whole point to produce a fun, popular kid?  I say no to the phone and to some of the activities because there has to be some time each day for her to be alone and to be with us.  What I am trying to teach her is to be herself, and home is where you and your family nurture and care for that budding self.  Friends are great, but family is first.

It is so difficult trying to do what I know is right for my family when faced with a world that has different priorities.***  One could argue to ignore what the rest of the world thinks entirely,  a valid point, yet your child has to live and, hopefully, thrive, in this world.  Raising them as if they live in a vacuum is not reality.  It's like constantly trying to swim upstream.  Harder than limiting their TV time or trying to make them eat fruit for snack at school when everyone else has Doritos.  But I wil fight for what I know is right for my kids, even when the world makes me think I'm nuts.

Dear readers, I long for the days when my biggest parenting dilemma involved high fructose corn syrup.

*Defined as the period of preadolescence from ages 10-12, also known as When the World Tries to Turn Your Little Girl into a Skank.
**I told her the only thing she's getting with an "i" in front of it is an eye patch if she keeps asking me.
***"No kidding", says every strictly religious, vegan parent ever.