The Bathroom Song

Happy Monday to you all. I am still recovering from dragging all three kids into the city Saturday to skate at Bryant Park and see the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. Well, I use the term "skating" liberally, since I spent the first fifteen minutes shuffling along behind #1 and #2 who had their upper bodies draped across the top of the wall and were madly bicycling their legs, as H, who can actually skate well*, was no better off, dragged the full weight of Little Man's body around the rink, as our son did not inherit his father's love of the ice, and decided to go completely jelly-legged. His skates were promptly returned once the tears began, and Hs back almost gave out, and my youngest and I spent a nice hour eating overpriced popcorn and enjoying the view from the concession stand while the girls took turns skating with their father and doing more wall-skating. It didn't get any better for H, as we forgot the stroller and he was forced to cary all thirty-eight pounds of LM through the city streets, including up a broken escalator during an ill-conceived, last-minute jaunt to Macy's Santaland. It wasn't crowded or anything.

So last night we trimmed the tree with the kiddies, and, as usual, had holiday movies on in the background. As I have said before, watching children's entertainment from the perspective of an adult is one of the surprising perks of parenthood, and it was during our viewing of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (complete with homophobic, judgmental Santa), that I was inspired to finally write about what my sister, brothers in-law and I identified a constant in children's movies - The Bathroom Song. Obviously, these are not songs about the toilet, but rather, songs that are so long, slow-tempo-ed and boring in their subject matter, that it is the perfect time to pee or grab a soda. In Rudolph for example, Rudolph's love interest, Clarice, sings the nap-inducing "There's Always Tomorrow", when Rudolph is down-hearted after being publicly shunned by the entire male reindeer population of the North Pole. Besides being just a little insensitive, since tomorrow, whistle blowing Coach Dancer is still probably going to want to kick his ass, the music is slow, and the animation of forest creatures scamping about the woods is dull.

And it's not just Rudolph. Those of you lucky enough to have seen the HBO Christmas Classic Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas, Ma's interminable "When the River Meets the Sea" is so bad, it actually feels like being in church. An added bonus, on the extended DVD version, she sings it three different times. I can actually watch my chlidren's minds wander. The coup de gras of all the Rankin and Bass classics though, is Santa Claus is Coming to Town, which oddly enough, features the voice of Mickey Rooney as Santa. After you enjoy the cold-war era caricature that is the Burgermeister, you then get to witness some trippy, Summer of Love-esque animation, as the young Mrs. Claus** croons "My World is Starting Today" about her decision to marry Santa. Which, by the way, is gross. Mr. and Mrs. Claus are like your parents, you don't want to imagine them, like, actually having sex or anything. Even Charlie Brown, which is pretty low-key with the music, does not escape this trend, with that sermon from Linus. Um, wait, am I in church again? No, I'm seven and just want to see Snoopy and think about Santa. Enough with all this "Jesus" and "city of Bethlehem" nonsense. When else would my children continue to watch a show that contains the phrase "Christ the Lord"?

So perhaps this is a just a phenomenon from my childhood. Well, that theory was proven wrong during The Polar Express. After the jaunty "Hot Chocolate" number, but before Steven Tyler belts out "Rockin' All Over the World" (who they CG'd into an elf and it kept we awake with night terrors for a week), the little girl character sings that crying-jag-inducing "When Christmas Comes to Town". While I find it moving, my Little Man, enjoying his train movie mightily, is all "Whatever. Where are the dancing chefs?"

When you stop to think about it, all children's movies, even non-holiday ones, have at least one downer moment featuring strange animation, choreography or a montage. Have you seen the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (which kicks the new one's ass, sorry, still heart you Johnny Depp)? The "Cheer Up Charlie" song sung by the mother has every kid wondering, "Am I watchign the right movie here?" And Annie is simply lousy with them - "Dumb Dog", "Sandy" and even though it is up-tempo, "Let's Go to the Movies". The only entertaining Bathroom Song I have ever seen is in The Great Muppet Caper, which actually mocks these kind of number s in movies and features a synchronized swimming sequence with a faded corner shot of Charles Grodin singing his heart out to Miss Piggy.

Think back on all your favorite childhood movies, or review your kids' favorites and you'll laugh at how universal The Bathroom Song is. Perhaps their creators designed it this way, with full knowledge of the short attention spans and small bladder size of children. As a child I was bored, as a parent, I guess I should thank them so I can drag Little Man to use the potty.

*Yes, my boyfriend can skate backwards. Can yours?
**Not to judge, but, Mrs. Claus didn't even have kids so her slide into morbid obesity is puzzling, is it not?