As you already know, dear readers, I have been working my ass off trying to meet new pals here in the new town (which will henceforth be known as New Town), joining mother's groups and book clubs galore. We haven't had a book club meeting yet, but I'm sure my membership will be revoked once I open my big, opinionated mouth in a group of women who haven't chosen to be friends with me because of my brashness. I thought I was tired of half a summer working the kiddie pool like Obama at the DNC, then school started.
While this summer has been challenging, building relationships in a town we will most likely inhabit for the next twenty years, and wanting to avoid, as long as possible, becoming known as The Crazy Redhead, the beginning of the school year presented added stickiness. I'm worried about moms I'll run into every now and then in the day to day activities of parenting,but the majority of the children my kids would meet will be their classmates for the rest of their pre-college lives. Sure, I joked about picking out the right outfit and washing my bangs, but I took great and deliberate care in helping #1 select her first day of school outfit and disco-ball monstrosity Hannah Montana backpack. No pressure!
So fast forward a week, and my house is playdate central. My house might as well have a revolving door I've had so many girls between the ages of five and seven over. All of this is in an effort to get the girls to know their classmates and, to be honest, for me to get to know them as well. And here's where I admit my guilt to you. There is one little girl I am reluctant to invite over even though #1 talks about her all the time, and I am ashamed.
We met this girl, let's call her Leaf, since she has an equally look-my-kid-has-a-different-cool-name name, at the pool party the class mother was nice enough to host. I had heard Leaf and her family are also new to town so I thought this would be the perfect pal for my daughter. Until we met.
WARNING, I WILL SOUND LIKE A TRULY JUDGMENTAL, HORRIBLE BITCH HERE AND NOT IN THE USUAL FUNNY WAY:
Her mother showed up in tatty jeans and black t-shirt with waaay too much eyeliner for daytime. She said she and Leaf had moved into town to care for her ailing grandmother, not mentioning her husband or partner and not wearing a wedding ring, and proceeded to tell me she was four months pregnant*. Leaf, who was wearing cut-off denim shorts and a non-descript t-shirt upon arrival, had decided to go in the pool and was now wearing her string bikini. At least it was distracting from her large, hoop earrings. Oh boy.
Now here is my dilemma, dear readers. #1 has been talking about Leaf incessantly, and despite my efforts at making other playdates, she keeps asking to have this kid over. And while my first misgivings have not been assuaged since Leaf showed up on the first day of school wearing artfully ripped jeans and a halter top, and it was confirmed the mom's name is only one the class list*, I know I will be having this kid over to play. First of all, it will shut #1 up if I do. Second, it will allow me to sleep at night if I do need to nip this friendship in the bud if she gives me some hard evidence, like being a spoiled brat. But what if that's not the case? What if she's perfectly lovely, but her mother still allows her to dress like a Bratz doll? Am I bad mother if I discourage the friendship or am I good mother for doing so?
We tell our children not to judge people based on appearances, but let's be honest, we do it evey day. We all use visual clues to help guide us toward people with similar interests and lifestyles. The mom with the tattoo sleeve and dreadlocks and I maybe don't have that much in common. So when our children look past all that to see the person inside, but we, as parents, know somewhere down the line, that kid's appearance is going to become an issue, what is the answer? How can I tell #1 while she's seven, "No you can't be friends with Leaf because in eighth grade she'll be dragging you with her to get her birth control pills at Planned Parenthood**." And is it even fair for this kid to suffer for her mother's lack of foresight (And I really think that's what it is sometimes. I think some parents think it's cute to see their kid in a string bikini at seven, but what's left for them to upgrade to when they're eighteen)?
I don't know, dear readers. I don't have the answers, but I do know I feel shitty and confused about this. I guess I will have this kid over and see what happens. I will need to play this one by ear. This is the stuff they don't warn you about.
*I am not saying it is wrong to not be married when you have kids, but this whole situation seems shady and weird, especially since I called their number on the class list and it wasn't in service.
** At least I'm giving her credit in the future for being smart about birth control!
4 comments:
We had one of those in my daughter's class last year too. My daughter gave the other girl a note in her backpack, the girl's 3 year old sister called to say she could come over. Eventually the mother called too, the girl came to play, the mother appeared to forget she was at our house, and my daughter never brought up this girl as a playdate again. My limited experience says the more you fight it, the more your daughter will too, so you might as well have the girl over before something really horrifying happens - like your daughter wants to go to her house!
Here's the bottom line: you can and should trust molly. She's an amazing kid who is being raised to respect herself and others. So, feel confident and don't overthink it! It'll just drive you mad--you can't orchestrate everything in her life, you know? Molly will be golden no matter who comes in and out of her life. She might just learn some lessons along the way.
Maybe she'll be best friends with this girl, or maybe the girl will be a monster and molly will soon grow tired of her? Who knows?
Either way you won't be able to tell just by the way the kid or the mom dresses.
So, have her over and roll with it, chances are it fixes itself without your help.
I'm pretty sure the acid wash, ripped jeans and halter top where what Kathleen was wearing when I first met her and look how great she turned out! ;)
In all seriousness, I'm with Kathleen 100%. I completely understand your motherly concern as I fight the instinct to pummel bigger boys on the playground who call my son a baby and say they don't want to play with him. But she's right, your daughter I'm sure has your good instincts and will figure it out quickly.
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