For richer or poorer...

Well, um, OK then. I guess I lied. While the movers furiously scurry around my house packing my belongings into the truck, I find myself the proverbial "tits on a bull" and have set up camp in the backyard, with nothing to do except answer their random questions like,"Are you taking the mailbox?" (Do people do that?) while H runs around doing stuff for the closing. So thank God for the laptop.

Today's topic is one I have been mulling over for quite sometime. There are many things I consider writing about, but am afraid of offending my regular readers should they think I am passing judgment on the way they live their lives, which, while I might silently (or not so silently to H) mock someone's wardrobe choice or disdain of Rupaul, who the hell am I to tell anyone how to live?

So the subject of today's post comes as question. Can a couple have a successful marriage if they keep their finances separate? The situation I'm talking about is where the couple either has one joint account from which they draw expenditures for the household and two personal accounts in which each spouse deposits funds to do with as they please or, the alternative arrangement, where each spouse maintains separate accounts and they split the household expenses down the middle*.

And now for a little background on my situation. When Hubby and I got married we didn't have one pot to piss in never mind numerous pots to be labeled "mine" and "yours". Everything, what little that was, was "ours". When you are with someone, essentially from childhood, and start from scratch having to put everything into the kitty to stay afloat, the idea of keeping anything for yourself is ludicrous.

But my situation, while not unheard of, is not the norm. Many, if not most, college educated women are getting married in their late twenties, if not in their thirties, at a point in their lives when they have begun to build careers with the associated 401K's and growing bank accounts. I didn't have to worry about H running off with my money, because I had none - if you don't count the tip jar I was saving for our first apartment in. But many women have assets they have worked hard for and, should the marriage dissolve, want to keep hold of. But I think the question is in this situation, isn't that what a pre-nup is for? Perhaps these women would say, "No, no, I don't think I'm going to get divorced! I don't need a pre-nup." Well, if you are certain the marriage will last and this guys isn't after you for your cash, then why not go whole hog and get a joint checking account? It's as if a pre-nup is to serious, but essentially they are saying the same thing.

OK, before some of you come after me with flaming torches and pitch forks, let me elaborate on another scenario. What of the couple who do have a joint account, but they keep separate "mad money" accounts, the contents of which, they can do with whatever they please without their partner's permission? While I totally understand the desperate need a pair of snakeskin pumps can engender, and it can be irritating to have to stop and think whether we can afford them or not, rather than pulling out my own debit card, knowing the exact amount I have to play with, aren't those decisions part of being a family? Having these separate accounts does prevent this particular emotional angst, but this "for the good of the whole" thinking is what makes a marriage work. And sometimes, the good of the whole includes one member getting to treat his or herself to a pair of shoes and the next month it's someone else's turn. And while I'm sure these couples go through times when they can't put a dime in their extra accounts, I feel learning that give-and-take is essential to the give-and-take required in marriage.

I know there will be plenty of you who think, "Sure, she'd be singing a different song if H left her haven't-worked-full-time-in-seven-years-ass with no money." And that is also part of the problem. The instances of spouses being left without enough funds to support families are frequent enough to justify keeping a little "Fuck you" money hidden, but then again, how do you wholly commit yourself to a partnership with that mindset? And, yes, on paper, I look like a total patsy, with no job, and no income of my own, admittedly. But the same people who think I'm a fool financially would probably have thought I was an idiot for "letting" H transfer to Georgetown and without calling him seventy-five times a day or for getting his initial tattooed on my ankle. There is no way to concretely justify my situation without seeming desperate. I jsut know I can trust him. Period.

I know life circumstances are different for everyone and it's not only who we are with, but our pasts, that dictate how much we are able or willing to trust and I know I have led a charmed existence on that front. And trust is what I think it comes down to essentially. Do you trust your partner with all you've worked hard for? Do you trust you are working toward the same goals, financially and personally? Do you trust your partner to look out for your happiness, sometimes at the expense of their own (like the month one of you buys a certain pair of shoes and one of you doesn't get to buy Guitar Hero)? So please educate me, dear readers, if you are in this situation, and the answer to all of these questions is yes and tell me how this all works.

And if anyone is pissed, I will wear heels to my lynching,

*Which always seems really awkward to me. Like who pays for birth control? Is that a household expense? Seems like it might cause a lot of ridiculous fights.