The devil carries a pitch pipe not a pitch fork...

Tuesday night was a lovely "Friday" night, as Hubby was off Wednesday to attend #1's school play in which she plays Whale #3 in the chorus, following her mother and father's theatrical footsteps of totally forgettable roles (I was "Nurse" in a middle school play and H was Narrator #2 in his grade school production of Charlotte's Web). So I was further convinced I have the world's greatest husband as he agreed, on a night when the Stanley Cup playoffs were on, to watch a DVR'd episode of The Bachelorette, or as he calls it, Cockblockers. Now I could go on and on about how amazing H is indulging me in this pastime, but to be honest, I had just spent the better part of the evening chasing Little Man around the Girl Scout's end of year barbecue and hockey was being DVR'd as well (but I do own him one for answering, "ABSOLUTELY NOT!", when I asked him if I looked a lot older than the "bachelorette").

For those of you not watching as faithfully as I am, all of these guys, in the pursuit of this quirky little Canadienne, have some sort of schtick. There's Fitness Model Guy, Airline Pilot Guy and, I wish I were kidding, Foot Fetish Guy. And while they can all talk about their unusual careers and, um, interests, there is one guy I need to speak to personally to tell him, for the love of God, Country Music Guy, nobody wants to hear you sing. Or is it just me?

Those of you who know me well, know one of my biggest pet peeves and aversions is acappella singing. This is ironic considering I went ot a liberal arts college with not one, not two, but three, acappella groups and one of my friends was a charter member of the third. It seems I was the only one on campus not trampling freshman to death in the line for The Colgate 13 tickets parents' weekend. In fact, during my term as pladgemaster of my sorority, a role I enjoyed thoroughly, I was paid back in spades at the end of hazing by my neophites, being tied to a chair, while they brought said thirteen men into the house dining room where I was serenaded personally like an auditory, liberal arts college version of that scene in A Clockwork Orange. I still get a little nauseous when I hear "Is She Really Going Out With Him?".

Now don't get me wrong (especialy you, Cunningham) I think these people are vastly talented. They have to have incredible voices and stage presence to perform an entire concert with no instrumental backup. The problem is entirely my own. I find what they are doing so daunting I sit in my seat (when unavoidble due to tight ropes) willing them to hit every note. There's no music to carry the song along, it's all them. It's so raw and personal. TMI in a musical sense. I can't imagine doing what they do and am so anxious for them I have a tension headache by the end.

While I used to think my exposure to acappella in college was bad, it wasn't until the summer of 2002 that I was really plunged into the depths of acappella hell. Two words - American Idol. In my own personal hell, AI is the only reality show on TV. If I thought I was uncomfortable with non-instrumental vocal performances before, at least the groups I knew did that whole "voices as instruments" thing, ala Andy Bernard in The Office, with singers acting as drums and horns, etc. On this show it is people, most who can not actually sing, belting it out on their own. Gaaaah! Look away! The horror is too great. If I was anxious for the talented, well dressed, suburban white kids performing for their adoring peers and parents, I almost had a full blown panic attack listening to folks like William Hung belt out "She Bangs" for the acerbic Simon Cowell.

So I will continue to mute the TV whenever Wes, Country Music Guy, starts warming up the pipes and I will turn the channel with lightning speed when American Idol is on. What is even more ironic, when H was asked recently during a dinner party what kind of college he'd like the kids to attend, his answer actually was, "one with an acappella group". I was all "Whaaaa??", until I thought about it. He's right. Harvard, Yale, Princeton, all the big name schools have got groups, some over one hundred years old. So maybe acappellA singing isn't the blight I think it is, maybe it's sign of superior intelligence. But I think Willy Hung sort of debunks that theory.