Baaaaa....

You all know, as of late, I have been struggling with the spiritual state of my little brood and, very recently, have toyed with the idea of returning to the Catholicism much to the surprise of my peers, religious and otherwise.

Well, I'm back.

Please. Save me the, "What the fuck?"s and the "I always thought you'd come back"s as I am hearing both, equally, in my own head. This decision was not one I entered into lightly, but after a lot of soul searching over the last few weeks. And, of course, in my anal retentive fashion, I made a pro/con list to see if there was more up or downside to going back to the faith of my youth.

Pros
- My children would develop a concept of God and spirituality, in general, as the some total of that thus far has been sudden outbursts of "Christ on a bike!" from Mommy and talking about this really nice guy, Jesus, at Christmastime which really just confused them as his relation to Santa was not discussed. Even though I would love if they went lighter on the whole "Jesus died for your sins" bit, I look back fondly on those quiet moments in church as kid when you could feel that there was something bigger than you out there and I want my kids to have that. I want them to know there is a deeper meaning to life and my feeble attempts at prayers before bed was not getting that message across.

- My kids would also have the shared experience of church and all the weirdness that entails to share with their family and peers. While I will try to shield them from the famous Catholic guilt, there is something cool about knowing how to do the whole sit/stand/kneel aerobics routine finally, FINALLY!, getting your first taste of the disappointingly stale host during your first communion, as I have mentioned before.

But the other aspect of this commonality is having a place to mark the passing of time and to celebrate the milestones in life. I have discussed, ad nauseam, how my father shang hai'd me into having a full mass for my wedding, but to be honest, I really loved that we did it. After we were pronounced husband and wife I really felt different. Being in a religious space lent a solemnity to the act of being married so that I truly felt like a different person when it was all said and done. I'm not sure I would have felt the same after a ceremony of my own design.*

Looking down the road to my own death, I don't want my kids to have to make up some cockamamie ceremony, or worse yet, feel like shits if they do nothing at all. At least this way when I kick it they can put it all in the hands of the priest. And, of course, if they choose they can celebrate the new lives in their own families by baptizing their kids if they wish.

- I have a history with the church. Going to mass last week, by myself, felt like a homecoming of sorts. They really brought out the big guns and played the song they played during the recessional at my mother's funeral, but even if they hadn't I felt more connected to my mother there. She was your typical guilt-ridden Irish Catholic, and maybe that wasn't so healthy, but it made me think of all the Sundays I spent in church with her and gave me more time to think about her than I have in years. There was something so visceral about it it brought me to tears.

- The last pro? The one I am most ashamed to admit? Is that I am lazy. L-A-Z-Y. I am too lazy to do what my girl Sasha did and actually go to mass at different kinds of churches. I know the Catholic church and all its foibles and, to me, all organized religion has an element of crazy to it and the crazy you know is better than the crazy you don't know. It's kind of like that old boyfriend who was ooh-kaaay during senior year of high school who you stayed with because you needed a date for prom, and went back and hooked up with over fall break because you needed reassurance you were still cute despite the freshman fifteen. A sad reflection of my religious devotion? You betcha'. But true? Yes. I am not wild about the church, but will use it for the purpose of teaching my kids about God and piety. And the speed with which the priest returned my call did make me feel wanted despite the beer weight on my soul.

Cons

- The church's ridiculously archaic stance on birth control, abortion, and homosexuality.

Well, then.

True, that is one big, giant, stinking turd of a con. So how am I balancing that against the pros I have listed? Well, I was raised a cafeteria Catholic, picking and choosing what I believe in and that is exactly what I will be teaching my kids. Because do I believe in the whole "Give thanks to god and don't sin" part? Yes. So that's the part I'm focusing on. Do I feel like hypocrite? Also a yes.

This whole experience has been such a roller coaster. It felt good to go back to church, yet I felt ashamed telling my gay sister of my decision, despite her unwavering support of my doing what I feel is right for my kids. As a modern woman, it's hard to explain to those not in my situation how I feel. Hence the rambling in the is post. The answers? Again, don't ask me.

So call me a sheep, dear readers, for returning to this dysfunctional flock. I will keep you posted on all my adventures as we have a meeting scheduled with the priest to discuss baptizing all three kids (should be fun considering #2 hates having her hair washed and #1 is as tall as a third grader), he has already requested H and I come in for confession, and I still can't remember if you it's right hand or left on top to receive communion (forget having the priest put it right on my tongue - gross!)

*No hate to those of you who were actually able to write beautiful ceremonies of your own. Hubby's and mine would have been, "Do you?...Yeah!...Do you?...Of course!...(awkward silence)...This is queer. Are we done?"