Where are you, Fabio?

Mom friend: "Have you read it?"

Me: "No."

MF: "Are you going to?"

Me: "No."

MF: "Really? Dont you wan to see what all the hype's about?"

Me: "Nope."

This is the transcript of several similar conversations I have had about the book Fifty Shades of Grey. If you haven't heard of it, then you probably aren't a woman in her late thirties/early forties who drives a minvan. Or, at least, this is what the media would have you think, considering almost every bit of coverage shows women of just this demographic salivating over this tome. But in summary, the book "centers on the lives (and affection for whips, chains and handcuffs) of Christian Grey, a rich, handsome tycoon, and Anastasia Steele, an innocent college student, who enter into a dominant-submissive relationship." And this is where I cover my eyes and ears and start saying, "La, la, la, I can't hear you!".

Yes, yes, yes, I am probably, after Mother Theresa, the World's Biggest Prude. Movies with boobs make me uncomfortable, and I find 99% of sex in media to be gratuitous and pandering to fourteen year-old boys, but don't get me wrong. I am not anti-porn (this is the point where I beg my father and father in-law to stop reading and go click on some investment site). I think erotica, a term that makes me vaguely nauseous, and pornography, its more mature sister, both have their place in society and normal sexual development. Broadening one's sexual horizons is a good thing, and if watching or reading something helps you out, then Godspeed to the nearest Romantic Dept, my friend. My problem is the subtext of detachment that is seemingly almost always there in porn (never mind the violence and anger that usually accompanies it). Why is no one ever happily married or in love and going at it like rabbits? I'm sure it's out there. I'm sure someone is making a mint off of married people porn, but you have to admit the majority of the stuff we see is single people or strangers, or people cheating. We all make fun of Fabio, but I think that's why romance novels do so well. Women want to read this kind of stuff, but within the safe confines of a caring relationship.*


I also can't stand that this book has made a mockery of older women and their sexuality. Kathy Lee and Hoda (which is more shameful to admit watching than porn) did a while segment where they featured ad group of middle-aged suburban woman drinking wine and tittering over Fifty Shades of Grey. Would they ever feature a group of guys who regularly go to strip clubs together? The point was to highlight how empowering this book is and how it's changing the sexual landscape of some marriages, but it felt disingenuous and cliched. Or maybe I'm wrong and millions of people are only doing it in the missionary position, under the covers with the lights out. And this book was written by a woman, so at least it has as hot at being somewhat realistic. I'm sure Anastasia isn't ready to go after three seconds. Who believes that, by the way? Thanks porn industry, for creating unrealistic expectations for everyone.

So for those of you enjoying Fifty Shades of Grey - you go, girl. I, myself, won't be picking upa copy. Which, I'm guessing will be fine with H. With three kids in the house finding time to do it, never mind read about it, is a challenge itself.


*Me, make broad generalizations about the preferences of an entire gender? Never! Seriously, I know it takes all kinds, so save me the hate mail. And, PLEASE no suggestions. I can already imagine the ads Google is going to put on this post.