My letter to God, and his response, circa 1991

Dear God,

Hey there. College is going pretty well. Even though I'm not so psyched about the cute, blonde roommate you sent me. Not so fun answering the door a thousand times for Sigma Chi guys who are so not there to see me.

So speaking of guys, I've sort of been thinking about the kind of guy I need you to send my way. I finally broke up with the last dud you threw across my path. Very religious parents and a speech impediment? Even if he did go to Cornell, come on.

I've put together a list of the attributes I'm looking for, so if you could find this guy and have him be single, I'd really appreciate it.

1. Cute. Preferably very tall. You made me tall, and, granted, I only wear bucks currently, but what if some day I have to wear high shoes? Also, red hair is a plus.

2. Very gregarious and funny. I am a big personality, so I need someone who can match my volume and intensity. But not a drunk, OK? No one wants to marry that guy.

3. Smart. Maybe if he was into science too that would be cool. Then we could go to the lab together. Yeah, yeah, I know I have to actually leave the lab to meet a guy.

4. Not that close with his family. Again, that last guy was a nightmare. Dinner with your parents where they quiz me about how often I go to mass? No thank you. I don't need all that hassles.

5. Expressive. You know, flowers, poetry, all that jazz. The last guy was pretty good, but did he have to be so lame about it? Also, the new guy can not have a penchant for nick names. That last one loved the word "Angel" and I had to get used to the taste of my own vomit at the back of my throat.

Um, that pretty much sums is up. Any time before winter break would be great.

XOXO,
Mary


Mary,

I received your list. No, I'm not busy at all with war and famine and such. Your dating life is really at the top of my list. Regardless, I do have a response. Here's what I'm sending you:

1. He is cute. Very much so. He is, however, only slightly taller than you. Do you really think, with your personality, you'd like to feel small? I don't think so. He doesn't have issues with height though, so your future obsession with heels (trust me on this) will not be a problem. The red hair is not going to happen. Do you want to look like you're dating your brother? He will be dark complected. Think of it this way, less sunscreen at the beach and the children you have might have a chance of safely existing in the sun.

2. Personality - again, your request is denied. You take up all the oxygen in the room, you don't need competition. The guy I'm sending you is quiet at first, but really very funny. He's confident enough that he doesn't need everyone knowing his business or thinking he's awesome, which they do any way after talking to him, rather than listening to him drunkenly shout the lyrics to "Welcome to the Jungle". He's happy to have a real conversation at a party, not make a spectacle of himself on the dance floor. You can, and will, learn from him the benefit of taking it down a notch once in a while.

3. Yes, he's smart, but he's into foreign affairs and history. A fellow science nerd? Why are you trying to date yourself? Jesus! (Ooops). No, you can't have a guy whose into science. You'd be the most boring couple ever and not learn anything from each other. He might even be able to teach you where China is on a map, you dunce. You will, however, be the best Trivial Pursuit team in history.

4. And the family? Listen, sister, you have some hard times coming your way and these people are going to have your back. You will thank me for them later. Plus, they babysit the kids (again, trust me on this) .

5. Expressive guy? You don't want this, really, you don't. This guy is expressive when it counts. He will take your breath away with his sincerity when he does express his emotions. You will know how he feels by the way he cares for and respects you, and works hard for you and your children (OK, you have three, but I'm not telling you what gender). He doesn't need Hallmark to do this for him. I sort of wish I hadn't let that place get invented, btw. Created so much drama.

So to sum up. This boy will make you a better person and help shape you into the woman and mother you will become. He will be your rock and your court jester, all at the same time. He will be an attentive husband and a caring father. I am sending you, not what you want, but what, as the Rolling Stones so aptly put it, you need.

So go to the basement of the dorm tonight. There's a party. That's all I'm going to say.

Oh, and don't fuck it up.

-G

Dear readers, I did go to the party and met H. Twenty years ago today was our first date. Obviously, I didn't fuck it up.