Six years ago today...

Today is my oldest's sixth birthday. It is all but impossible for me to accept that six years have passed since her birth, but equally impossible for me to think there was a time when she didn't exist. As I have said before, my children's birthdays are about more than the cake and presents, they are the days I recall each time I was lucky enough to give birth to them. With my oldest it is especially poignant because with her birth a new Mary was born.

Today is the day I knew real pain and real fear. Today is the day I first felt how very much death is a part of every birth and knew how lucky my child and I were to come through it alive and whole.

Today is the day I Hubby would not only fart, but breath coffee-breath in my face while I labored with no pain meds.

Today is the day I thought, "She's not going to be born until I'm ready for her to be." And as the next contraction hit I said to my baby, "OK, it's time for you to come." and willed her into the world.

Today is the day I stared into the isolette at my rasin-faced bundle wondering, "Are they really going to give her to me to take home? All by myself?"

Today is the day I stopped thinking of eight hours as a merely adequate amount of sleep.

Today is the day I began to see three in the morning on a regular basis not under the influence of alcohol.

Today is the day, as I began nursing, I would begin to learn what the phrase "Purple Nurple" can really mean.

Today is the day I learned how to pick things up with my feet while holding a sleeping infant.

Today is the day I started considering a "real" shower one where I can wash my hair and my body.

Today is the day a meal, eaten hot right after it has been cooked, became the exception rather than the rule.

Today is the day I became plural. Even when I am alone I am never "alone". Every decision I have made since this day was made in consideration of the little being whose life I was now in charge of.

Today was the day I began to see Hubby as more than a friend and my husband. He was now my brother-in-arms in the war of parenting and I would be eternally grateful God put him in my foxhole.

Today was the day I started to find out that parenting is a blessing and a curse. You are blessed with loving this tiny being, but cursed with the overwhelming fear of all they will face and the impotent feeling that you can not sheild them from it.

Today is the day, six years ago, I became a mother. Your oldest is the child you cut your teeth on, but they are also the child that turns you into a mother. And I want to thank her for giving me that gift. Happy Birthday - to both of us.