This post is no day at the park dear readers, so be warned. I know I'm usually all about the snarky, "people take parenting too damn seriously" posts, but today I am seriously doubting my self as a parent and for the benefit of mothers everywhere I thought I would share it with you while it is still fresh and I am, literally, drying the tears.
Today we were at a friend's pool and while I was busy putting sunscreen on the baby, the other mom let #1 in the pool. Moments later the mom calls out, "Does she know how to swim?" "A little." I replied. I looked up to see my dear girl just a few inches past where she could stand, trying to touch her tip-toes to the pool's bottom, swallowing water with each attempt, a look of sheer terror on her face. We both raced to the pool and being up on the deck myself, the other mother was closer and I shrieked, "Get in! Get her!" Needless to say, she is fine now and spent the rest of the morning on my lap. We are now signed up for private swim lessons at the local YMCA.
But now, I have to keep running into the other room as I start crying every few minutes recalling that look on her face knowing I'm the one who put it there by not being on top of her near a body of water. I cry knowing I was too pregnant last year to do anything more than take her to the lame swim lessons at the town pool and I couldn't get in the pool with her myself to really teach her how to swim. I cry because maybe I was wrong not making her take lessons with all of her other little friends this winter because the baby was still napping at the time of the class. I cry because I have had my first real brush with losing one of my children and I know I had a role in it. I want to curl up in a ball and die.
I've made plenty of minor parenting mistakes that can be trotted out on the therapist's couch years from now, but so far this is my first seriously regrettable offense, and taking the blow and recovering from it are much, much harder than I expected. I know tonight's sleep will be fitful at best as I replay today's events in my head. I always knew in the abstract parenting is a humbling game, and I was sure I'd have times when I would regret decisions I made, but today I learned just how shitty you can feel when you make a mistake.
I have no witty words of wisdom today, dear readers, as I feel I am nothing but the fool. I am off to get my dear girl a pedicure and an ice cream.
PS - and for those of you who read this and want task why I didn't call and tell you about it, I just couldn't bear to go through the retell one more time (telling Hubby was gut-wrenching enough). Besides, it takes two hands to flagellate myself.
5 comments:
oh boy, mary! you need to ease up on yourself, girl. I'm sure it was scary for you and for her, but scary experiences like this are just part of childhood, I'm afraid. Now she has a healthy fear of the water, which means that you can officially check off "drowning" from your list of things to worry about (for your other kids as well as she will probably now be looking out for Annie and Mathew in the water).
When I have a scary "near" experience (near car accident, etc.), I try to see it as a blessing. It is a blessing because the universe is trying to remind me that such things CAN happen. But it didn't. So, it is just a warning to be safe and to appreciate what you have. All you can do is learn something from it and let it go.
You are an amazing mom! I brag about you all the time. So, no beating up on yourself, ok? How would you advise/treat another mom who told you this story? Treat yourself with the same kindness and respect.
Thanks KK, that's what I would like to tell Mary too.
Lily
I am so sorry you had such a scare like that and understand how upsetting this could be, but you by no means are a bad parent. Agreeing with KK about near experiences being a blessing, I always respect ocean currents when swimming after getting caught in a serious undertow with AJ when we were 10 and 8, my Father got to us before the life guard did. It was a bad scare, but the whole family was a little wiser since then.-Matty
Back on email after a mini-vacation and I have to agree with K although I can imagine it's difficult to let such a terrifying experience go.
Regular reader, but not a commenter here.
When my three year old accidentally overdosed on tylenol, my world stopped. Those moments are so terrible, and they cause us to question everything about our mothering. Thankfully my daughter, like yours, was just fine. I felt the effects of that morning for a long time, and I spent a fair amount of time crying too. But I have to echo what kk and others said, you are a great mom. How do I know this? Because I read here, sometimes doubled over with laughter, about your kids and life.
Hang in there.
Post a Comment