"This one sounds like an asshole."

"You can't call a baby an asshole."
"Why not? She called it a meatloaf."

This is one of my favorite conversations from Sex and the City. It's so hilarious because it's true - babies can be assholes. I don't do it often, but there have been times, especially with my youngest, after I've been dealing with the other two all day and he won't sleep that I have asked my husband, "Why is he being such an asshole?" Call me a bad mother, but there is just some behavior that can not be described any other way when you are exhausted and your patience is worn too thin and your child just has to go that extra mile to make life as unpleasant as possible for you.

Sleep is the usual arena for the assholery and it is here babies can really display their skills. For example, today was my oldest's monthly Daisy meeting (Junior Girl Scouts) and it was scheduled to start at three-thirty. So I figured if my little one went about his day as usual he'd nap for two hours in the morning, then do an hour in the afternoon, and be up at three o'clock just in time to for me to nurse him and drag all three kids to the car and make it to Daisies. Of course, what do I hear forty-five minutes after I put him in his crib for his morning snooze? Happy babbling. So not only is he awake, but he's not even crabby so I can justify trying to let him cry himself back to sleep, the well rested asshole. Of course this means that later on when he took his afternoon siesta, he slept like Rip freakin' Van Winkle and I had to wake him up at three-fifteen, stuff a nipple in his mouth, feed him, have him spit up all over me because I didn't have any more time to wait for His Majesty to belch after burping him for fifteen minutes and then be late for Daisies. Sweet.

Fussy eating and loud screaming also qualify for the school of assholish behavior as do constant from-the-stroller toy throwing and middle-of-the-night pacifier ejecting. Especially when they laugh after doing it or do it for the twentieth time in an hour at four in the morning. My point is, your baby's behavior can be really aggravating and it's OK to get mad. It's OK to call him a name in your head in the other room where, yes, you will berate yourself later for doing it. I have a friend who, when her baby would wake up too often at night after an appropriate age, would sit on the edge of the bed and let loose a stream of profanity that would make a rapper blush. She just needed to get that rage out of her system and then she would calmly proceed into her son's room and meet his every need.

So let's not beat ourselves up for getting pissed. For not meeting yet another bad night's sleep with a "thank you sir, may I have another?" sense of stoicism. The well of human kindness only runs so deep and when your child has been drawing buckets-full all day it's only natural to get angry. We are mothers, not saints. As Miranda from SATC put it so well when speaking about her colicky, infant son, "No, he's not sick. He's not hungry, he's not teething, he just wants to scream. I'm doing everything I can but I can't please him. If he was 35, this is when we would break up."