Forever in blue jeans*

Again, while reading one of my women's mags I came across an article that gave me pause. It was entitled "The jeans of my dreams" and was written by a woman who, after shedding thirty pounds, was finally able to buy a pair of upscale jeans - 7 for All Mankind, specifically. While I applauded this woman's conversion to a healthy lifestyle, I began to wonder what the hell is the big deal about these pants? They are everywhere in the tabloids and the women's publications and it seems I am the only one on on the planet still shopping at the Gap. After thinking about it for while I have come up with two theories as to the popularity of these pants, or dungarees, as my father would call them.

First, we have run out of things to fancify - a verb I have created myself to describe the tricking out of everyday things by the rich and famous, the retail establishments and society at large to publicly display wealth. The obvious things were fancified first. Houses became larger and more grandiose in their furnishings. Remember when Cribs first came out on MTV? Oh my God! Snoop Dogg has a home theater and a solid gold toilet! Then a car was considered a jalopy if it didn't have rims made of pure platinum and individual DVD players behind every headrest. So when it came time to reexamine the ways we display our wealth on our bodies, something new needed to be found. Jewelry and furs were considered passe and it's tough to hang out at Tao in a full length mink in the LA heat, so HEY! Let's make a pair of jeans that cost as much as a car payment to let people know we've got some dough!

My second theory is that these jeans are a symbol of the idolization of pajama culture. This is a culture where hundred dollar T-shirts with "Little Miss Trouble" are worn by starlets and sneakers, white and fresh out of the box, are considered dress shoes. Jeans, originally created for workers during the gold rush, are now considered appropriate almost anywhere if they are nice enough. It's to the point where there are variations in the dressiness of jeans. Lighter washes are considered more casual as are, of course, frayed jeans - oops, that's the 80's in me talking - they're now called distressed. Whatever. The only thing distressing about them is you pay twice the price to have someone do professionally what I used to accomplish using scissors and a lot of bleach. Darker washes in pristine condition are considered the tuxedo of jeans. This type of jean is acceptable attire for more formal occasions such as dinner at nice restaurant or the Oscars.

There are items in addition to jeans that can be explained by these two theories as well. Uggs - which is the sound I make when I see these hideous boots - are another leader in this category. Other than looking ridiculous these overpriced kicks also seem to be the perfect foot-sweat sponges and must smell horrendous after a few short days. And those damn Juicy sweatsuits. Seriously people, they're sweatpants and while I throw up in my mouth a little at the writing on the ass I will try not to have a seizure that a sweatsuit can cost over three hundred dollars. (Keep an eye out for this item in a future post as I am completely fed up with the ubiquity of this item in the suburbs on overly nipped and tucked fifty year olds)

Now let me make myself a total hypocrite and tell you I am intrigued by these jeans. Does spending the extra cash really make a difference? Will I have Beyonce's behind if I shell out enough cash? I have been toying with the idea of trying a few pairs on in Nordstrom one day if I ever get there without the kids - I think the salesladies frown upon peanut butter being smeared on non-purchased items. I am not hopeful though as friend of mine went on a jeans mission after losing her baby weight and she said she had no success finding a pair of jeans in the haute section that made her look any different than her $29.99 Levis. If I do get to go I will report back with my findings - but it will be a cold day in hell when I try on anything with "Juicy" written on the ass.

* And if you didn't know the title was referring to the classic Neil Diamond tune get thee to iTunes immediately.